The Parenting Coach

By now most people are familiar with what a life coach does; at least they have a general idea.  Life coaches have been around for a little over ten years now and more and more are part of a holistic approach to healthy living.  Coaches help us move forward in any area of our life where we might feel stuck.  They help us see a new perspective on things.  They support and guide us towards a desired goal.  It’s very popular now to hire a coach to help achieve greater results in business as well as with our personal lives. 

What is a parenting coach?  Putting it in the simplest terms, a parenting coach helps you with the most important job you’ll ever have if you have children.  Most of the time they come with a background in education, psychology or some aspect of childcare coupled with coach training.  They’ll listen to a challenge you have with parenting or series of challenges and work with you to achieve a desired outcome.  In most cases parents want their children to stop fighting, or to co-operate with chores better, or to simply do as they’re told.  Sometimes they’re at a loss as to how to achieve a more harmonious relationship with their child or children.  Sometimes they’re perplexed at the whole parenting role and need general guidance.  A parenting coach can put parents on the right track around any of these issues.

What is involved in raising a child?  What is parenting?  Ultimately, what we want to achieve is knowledge that our children have become secure, loving, responsible and productive human beings.  How do we get there?  A big part of it is understanding what effective discipline is which is not something we all inherently know how to do.  We generally repeat methods from our own childhood which sometimes can be questionable.  Other times we’re very thankful we were given such good role modeling.  Another big part, and some might argue, the biggest part, is how we live our lives.  Children learn what they live.  They are watching and absorbing everything we say and do.  They take on our values and our attitudes.  If our life is out of kilter, so is there’s.  If we are carrying around resentments, our children suffer.  If our primary relationship is unhealthy, our children pay a price.  If we have difficulty setting boundaries, our children are affected.  Every single part of our life has an impact on our parenting. 

A good parenting coach not only helps you with alternative ways to discipline without yelling or spanking, he/she will also look at other aspects of your life that are calling for attention.  When we attend to those parts of our lives, our children benefit.  We all know that when we lose our temper easily with our kids, it’s about us, not them.  When we get angry over small things, it’s usually not about our kids.  What we’re defining as “bad behavior” often has more to do with us than them.  Yes, of course we have to let our kids take ownership for their own behavior.  It’s not all about us.  We do them a disservice though if we don’t look deep into what our own core issues are. 

The school year is fast approaching and for some of you, it has already started.  Fall is a time of many new beginnings.  Not only school is starting but ballet, gymnastics, hockey, soccer, drama class, karate, and all the other extra-curricular activities our children are involved in, are starting as well.  It may mean back to work for many parents and back to the activities you put on hold over the summer.  What can you do to make the year run as smoothly as possible?  Here are 7 tips:

1. Do as much as you can the night before.  That means make lunches and put them in the fridge so your children just need to grab their lunch kit as they head out the door.  Make sure all back-packs are ready to go and placed near the door.  Breakfast can even be started the night before.  Put cereal boxes on the table.  Set the table and put as much out as you can. 

2. Limit extra-curricular activities.  Do you want to hear yourself saying “Hurry up!!”  “Get into the car.  We’re late!” every day?   Children need down time as much as adults do.  They also need lots of time for unstructured play.

3. Make sure time is set aside every day to check in with your child.   Ask things like:  “Who did you play with today?”  “What was the best part about today?”  What did you do today that was fun?”  When we take the time to connect at least once a day, children are less likely to seek attention in inappropriate ways.

4. If we’re stressed and irritated our children pay a price.  Look after your own needs to minimize feelings of resentment.  Our resentments cause us to lash out more frequently and say things we may later regret. Hostility affects everyone in the family.  Do what you can to create a warm, loving environment.  That includes looking after your children’s mother/father.

5. Allow your children to take responsibility for their own choices.  If they’re refusing to do homework, or not co-operating with the help you offer, let them take ownership and face the consequences of their actions at school.  Often the more we force our own agenda on our children, the more they resist and power struggles escalate.

6. Make sure children have a consistent bedtime routine.  Young children need 10-12 hours of sleep a night.  Aim to begin the routine an hour or so before they go to bed to allow for a small snack, baths, teeth brushing, stories and quiet conversation. 

7. If getting your children to eat breakfast in the morning is a constant battle, bring some healthy food for them to munch on, on the way to school in the car. If they walk, pack extra food in their lunch kit so they can eat something at recess.

For a few years I’ve been an active participant on the business network Ryze. I’ve formed relationships with several people who I now call friends. I’ve been inspired by the wisdom and knowledge of many.  Marilyn Jenett,  a scholar of the Universal Laws and creator of Feel Free to Prosper is among those people. It was through her teachings that I learned the power of the words we speak.  I learned how saying words like “debt” and “can’t afford” impact our reality. 

Marilyn is also the owner of Marilyn Jenett Locations a very successful event and locations business in Los Angles.  Her story of how the business began and grew to what it is now, is told on her “Feel Free to Prosper” forum on Ryze.  She had no marketing or business experience.  She describes of a series of synchronistic encounters. 

 Marilyn was recently interviewed by Adam Ubanski, a well-known marketing strategist.  He was shown a link to her story and found it so fascinating he tells how he stayed up until 3am because he couldn’t stop reading.  I was among the 100 or so people who listened to the interview on a conference line.  If you’d like to listen to the call, or learn more about it click here. 

We know now that when we change the way we think and talk, we can change our lives.  If we want to prosper in our areas of our lives we can, and in doing so, we teach our children to do the same. 

I came across this article today.  It includes a list of the many benefits of working with a parenting coach.  I especially like the point they make that “parenting becomes easier and more rewarding.” 

When I’m coaching parents I often ask to see a snap shot of a typical day.  It tells me a lot.  I can sometimes easily determine some of the possible causes of the challenges they’re presenting.  For instance it can be easy to see that if 75% of a child’s free time is spent in front of a monitor of some kind and only 25% being physically active, that’s a red flag.  It also tells gives me a clue of how connected or how present the parent is.

Children want to feel connected to us.  They want to know we’re interested in what excites them, frightens them, interests them or worries them.  They need us to speak to them at eye level.  We can so easily get caught up in our busy lives and day to day tasks we forget to just be present.  We’re physically present but not emotionally.  If we’re sitting at a computer or talking on the phone, or reading the paper, or tidying up, we’re not connected to our children.  There are times when it’s to everyone’s benefit to put aside a task that might seem important and just be with your child in a meaningful way.  It doesn’t take a lot of time but it says to them in that moment: “There’s nothing more important to me right now than you.” 

Penguin Books contacted me recently asking if I would review a novel coming out this summer called:  “Slummy Mummy” by Fiona Neill.  It was described as sort of a Bridget Jones Diary book.  I loved it and recommend it without hesitation. 

Lucy Sweeney is the antithesis of a super mom which endears her to the reader right off the bat.  The novel opens with her architect husband Tom drinking from the glass holding her contact lenses.  This sets the tone for the novel.  Lucy clearly loves her children but the day to day tasks of parenting three young boys often lead into a frenzy of mishaps and chaos.  Tom by contrast is orderly, organized and efficient.  He sees part of his role in the household as keeping Lucy in line to help minimize the chaos. 
 
Much of the novel centers on Lucy’s relationships with some of the other parents at her children’s school.  Among these are Robert Bass who she refers to as “sexy domesticated Dad” and Isobel, “Yummy Mummy #1”.  Several relationships are formed and the drama unfolds. 
 
Parenting is demanding and we all think we could be doing a better job.  This is a fun read and offers some much needed light heartedness to parents who are pulled in multiple directions and maybe still looking for Mr. or Ms. Right.  It will have you laughing out loud and even seeing yourself in some of Lucy’s hilarious antics. 

To purchase “Slummy Mommy” click here.

My teleclass with Rebecca Hanson on parenting teens using the Law of Attraction has led to the formation of a monthly general discussion on parenting using the Law of Attraction.  Wednesday, August 13th at 6pm EST is our first meeting. Join us, by clicking here. 

Our children are growing up with an awareness of environmental issues far beyond what we knew as children.  What do you do in your family to decrease your carbon footprint?   I came across this article called:  “Consumption Culture: 50 Ways to Curtail Your Family’s Footprint” and thought I’d share it. 

I have four children; two are my step-children.  Three of them did very well in school, the two oldest especially.  Our youngest did OK but as the years progressed his interest waned significantly and his marks reflected his lack of motivation.  I always believed in him though and as he approached the end of public school and displayed other talents that could not be assigned a grade on a report card, my faith that he would do well later on was strengthened.

Before Marc graduated from high school he announced to us that he wanted to be a bartender .  We were fine with that.  He had a goal and we knew there would be a lot of job opportunities for him.  We’ve always wanted our kids to follow their own path anyway, not ours. A year ago Marc got a job in a semi high end restaurant doing what’s called “expo”; a term I had never heard of.  Basically he checks all the plates before they’re served to customers to ensure they have everything on them that’s supposed to be there.  Later he began working as a porter in the bar as well as doing expo.  He helps the bartender which I was surprised to learn, brings him on average $100 in tips a night!  He’s maintained his enthusiasm for his job and hasn’t lost sight of his intention to become a bartender.  His managers are all well aware of his goals and now that he’s 19 he can start serving which is the first step.  

This past weekend we attended a big 60th birthday party of a family friend.  They had invited around 65 people and asked Marc if he would be interested in running the bar.  He was thrilled to say the least.  By the time we got to the party he was well into his bartending duties and seemed to be handling things very well.  As the night progressed I couldn’t help but notice how poised he was and how well he handled himself with so many people.  He was solely responsible for serving drinks to all the guests.  I didn’t once see him flustered.  Many people commented to me that he was “a natural”. 

Bartending may be a short term career for Marc or it might be something he does for a long time.  I don’t know.  What I do know is my instincts about his abilities were right.  He’s going to be just fine.  He has qualities that can’t be learned in school. 

I’ve blogged about Marc’s lack of motivation in school before.  This is a follow-up story now that he’s been out of school a year.  I’m one proud mom!! 

Do you laugh with your kids?  This morning I was in a brief meeting with Rebecca Hanson from the Law of Attraction Training Center to discuss our teleclass tomorrow on parenting teens.  We talked about how important humor is in parenting.  This of course applies to all ages.  When we can laugh about something, it puts everything into perspective.  It also puts everyone in a good place, emotionally.

With respect to parenting teens, Rebecca and I were talking about watching funny movies with them.  My kids introduced me to Steve Carell, Sasha Baron Cohen and many others.  We’ve watched movies together and laughed until our sides hurt. Rebecca referred to Jim Carey and all the crazy movies he’s made.  Kids love it when they can share humor with us. 

With younger children, be silly with them and laugh at yourself.  My kids will never forget the time I opened the mustard jar and the jar fell on the floor.  Mustard went flying all over the kitchen.  It was a mess!  We were all doubled over with laughter.  Sometimes we take ourselves far too seriously.  We have a choice to find the humor in most everything that comes our way. Also, a good laugh is a great reliever of stress.