The Parenting Coach

I know many of you have spent hours either sewing or thoughtfully putting together costumes for your children to wear on Halloween. It’s always a relief when they agree to wear what they wore last year or a friend or neighbour has one to pass on that fits your child and he/she is excited to wear it.

My days of creating costumes are behind me now unless of course it’s for myself. Many years I was scratching my head trying to come up with an idea or trying to figure out how to create what they wanted to be. Two years in a row I sewed my son different super hero costumes. They took me hours to sew but he loved them. I remember saying to myself: “What was I thinking??!” The “easy” on the pattern was misleading, to say the least.

After each Halloween the costumes got put in a big plastic bin and I made them available all year around for imaginary play. Capes always came in handy of course as did wigs, fake teeth, bunny ears, and different kinds of hats. So take comfort in knowing that all the effort you put into your child’s Halloween costume doesn’t have to be for only one night of the year. Costumes are great to play with all year around. They provide a wonderful opportunity for children to express their imaginations.

Should teenagers have jobs while they’re still going to school? I remember thinking it probably wasn’t a good idea. How could they work, do all their homework plus carry on a social life? After all they have their whole lives ahead of them to work. Like most of my pre-conceived ideas, once I was actually faced with the option of my teenagers having jobs, I changed my thinking.

My sixteen year old son Marc has two jobs. He works part- time at McDonalds and at least three times a week is called upon to referree hockey games. My daughter Claire is in college full-time and works weekends at a local grocery store. The money they earn is rewarding for sure but I can also see how they’re both learning so much about life. They’re learning how to work with the public, how to be part of a team of people; some of whom they may not like, and about accountability. As well, they’re learning about different aspects of the business world such as customer service and marketing.

Marc and Claire are both responsible for all their clothing, monthly cell phone bill and entertainment costs. I see them becoming more selective with their spending, deciding to save for certain things they can’t afford right now and taking pride in knowing what they buy is with money they earned themselves. Apart from offering some guidelines, we’ve allowed them to make their own mistakes around spending. It makes sense to me that they learn from their mistakes now while they’re at home and not responsible for major living expenses.

I’ve realized too that having a busy schedule when you’re a teenage is not a bad thing. They are both learning how to balance their lives and appreciate their free time much more. Without hockey and his jobs, Marc would be spending hours a day chatting on the computer. Spending time with his friends is important and who would want to deny him of that. I’m thrilled though that he’s busy and engaged in productive activities. I’ve often thought that we over- schedule our younger kids and they don’t have enough time to just “be”. A teenager with a lot of time time on his/her hands is quite different than an eight year old with a lot of free time.

Does homework get done? Although my kids work and go to school, they both manage get their homework done. It doesn’t seem to interfere with their school performance at all. They’ve both learned to balance their lives in a way that allows for school, work and a lot of fun. So I’ve learned teenagers having jobs on top of going to school has many benefits.

I’m going to say right off the top that my kids have very few chores. I admire parents who have assigned regular chores and get results. After all a family is a community and communities run best when everyone gets involved and does their part.

Why don’t my kids do chores? I’m going to be brutally honest and say that everytime I assign a set of chores, my great plans fall by the wayside. A good example was when I announced that they would now be responsible for cleaning the bathroom they both use. I told them what I expected, where all the cleaning supplies were and left the rest up to them. My expectation was that it would be done thoroughly once a week. It sounded great because it would mean less work for me, right? Well it actually didn’t. I had to continually remind them it needed doing, and when they did it, it was never to my satisfaction. As with other chores that have been assigned, it ended up being more work for me in the end.

Do I think it’s important for our kids to contribute to the running of the household? Absolutely. There are parts of the house that are common areas and there are their bedrooms that are not common areas. As my husband and I are the head of the household, it is our right to set a standard we want followed. Therefore, we insist that things that don’t belong in the common area be removed. Although my husband is far more tidy than I am, we’re both more comfortable living in an environment free of clutter. Simply by asking that their dishes be taken away, shoes and backpacks be put away and garbage be put where it belongs, for the most part they co-operate. If they’re asked in a respectful way there is no problem and seldom do our requests become an issue.

When my step-sons and our two kids turned thirteen I taught them how to do their own laundry. If they wanted to wear a certain article of clothing that wasn’t clean, it no longer was my problem; it was theirs. It was an easy way to teach them some independance and satisfied me they were contributing to the running of the household. I have never reminded either of my kids to do their laundry. I’ve never had to.

If I see the garbage needs emptying and one of the kids is in the kitchen, I’ll simply say: “Would you mind emptying the garbage before you go out?” I can’t remember a time when they’ve said no. Another thing I might say is: “I’m willing to clean the kitchen but I need the dishwasher emptied first. Can you do that before you go on the computer?” Most of the time they co-operate willingly and there is no discussion. Today I told my son I needed his help with the recyling and would he be free in half an hour to help me. No problem.

Until my kids got jobs they were always given an allowance but it was never attached to chores. I remember listening to Barbara Coloroso once who said: “Does anyone pay you to do the dishes?” We all help around the house because it is the right thing to do as it is when you’re part of any community. Their allowance was to teach them how to budget and manage money. They were given a fixed amount of money every month that was for clothing and entertainment. If they spent it all the first week it wasn’t my problem.

Soon after I began my career as a parent educator, I was introduced to Barbara Coloroso who wrote the book: “How to Win at Parenting Without Beating Your Kids.” So much of what she said made sense to me. A lot of my own philosophy around parenting has been in inspired by what she teaches. It was partly through her that I began to discard some of the old ways of parenting I grew up with.

When my children were small they had certain things they loved to wear and other things they refused to wear. When my daughter was three she would not put on a pair of pants regardless of the occasion or the weather. She insisted on wearing dresses everywhere. When she was four she branched out and would wear pants but liked to put odd combinations together. They weren’t odd to her though. When she went off to preschool I wanted so badly to put a badge on her that read: “I dressed myself”. I didn’t want anyone thinking I was responsible for her mismatched outfits. When my son was three he discovered Batman and wore a black cape everyday for six months. There I was walking into the doctor’s office, the bank, the dentist’s office, and everywhere else we went with my little Batman. No one seemed to mind.

Why didn’t I let my children’s choices bother me? I remember Barbara Coloroso saying: “If it’s not life threatening, it doesn’t matter.” There are so many things that are non-negotiable when raising children and they absolutely must follow our lead. There are other things that might bother us but in the whole scheme of things, don’t matter. They’re simply not worth fighting over. So your four year old wants to wear his rubber boots to a birthday party, or your five year old wants to wear her summer dress in the winter. Their choices may make you uncomfortable, but they aren’t life threatening. We have to be able to say to ourselves: “It doesn’t matter so let it go.”

When my step-son was fifeteen he decided to try dyeing his hair. For several months he experimented with every colour of the rainbow. Hair dyeing is not life threatening either. Like everything else, it was a phase that passed. My teenage daughter has friends with lip rings. The same thing applies. As parents, let’s focus on the things that really matter.

I often have parents ask me how to get their toddlers to stop using a pacifier and/or a bottle. A lot of parents are uncomfortable with their toddler using a pacifier after the age of two and others don’t want them using one at all. The same goes for bottles.

There is no “rule” as to when the right age is to stop using a pacifier. Dentists do though provide a guideline and say beyond age three is not a good idea. Other than that, my answer is usually whatever you’re comfortable with. I will say however, that pacifiers provide comfort and soothing to a toddler and I see no sound reason to stop using them before age three. Often they will discontinue using them on their own before that and there is no need for any kind of weaning process. But if you have a toddler who needs a pacifier to comfort her, my advice is by all means let her have it. You can though put some limits around where and when to use it.

A pacifier will often help a toddler soothe herself back to sleep and if she can easily retrieve it in her crib or bed she is less likely to cry out in the night for a parent’s comfort. I used to have two or three in my daughter’s crib in case she couldn’t find one when she woke up. When she stopped using her pacifier she started sucking her thumb. That was fine by us as well, until age five. I support anything that provides a sense of comfort and security to a toddler, as long as it is safe and doesn’t interfere with normal development.

Yesterday my sister and I had a glorious day travelling to Sechelt on B.C.’s Sunshine Coast. I was there to deliver a presentation on incorporating Sign Language into preschool programs. It was a perfect B.C. fall day so our spirits were high.

While on the ferry we got into a conversation around home schooling as she has a friend who has chosen to home school her seven year old. We talked about people we knew where it was obviously successful and others where we thought it hasn’t been successful. It lead us to a discussion around the whole notion of “protecting” children from the mainstream. I’ve always been intrigued why some parents decide their children won’t be part of the regular system. The thinking being that they will have more success in life if they’re educated at home.

With our youngest child now in Grade 11, the public school system is almost behind us. It’s not a perfect system, for sure. My children have been exposed many children who have not been positive influences. They’ve had some great teachers and some who were not so great. Has it hurt them? Will they be less equipped to handle what life offers them? Would they have been more well rounded adults had we decided to keep them away from the mainstream?

My daughter is studying “Global Stewardship” in college. She’s very socially conscious and interested in the work of non-government organizations (NGO’s) and hopes one day to be a part of one. In my opinion her sensativety and tolerence towards others is partly based on her experience in the public school system. Her interest in global issues was sparked while in high school.