The Parenting Coach

For those of you who celebrate Christmas, if you’re like me you’re thinking about what gifts to buy and trying to come with some creative ideas that don’t support commercialism. What does this have to do with parenting you might be asking? Christmas is one of those occasions when memories are created. We all have traditions that have been passed down from generation to generation or we have started our own traditions. The way we celebrate and what we focus on are ways we pass on our beliefs and values. We teach our children about giving and receiving.

Throughout my life I’ve come up with hundreds of gift ideas; some never leave my head, others don’t turn out as I had expected and a few have been a hit. I’m going to share some of the gifts I’ve given that I’m particularly proud of . These are gifts that I could hardly wait to give because they were so much fun to put together.

1. I decided a couple of years ago that instead of giving a tangible gift, I would give an experience so bought tickets to a musical that was on over Christmas, for my mother, my two sisters and myself . I made Christmas crackers using toilet paper rolls and put the ticket in as the “prize”. I presented them on a silver tray.

2. Last Christmas I organized a lunch for my mom and two good friends who she hadn’t seen in many years. It was a surprise. I wrote the details on a card that I made myself with fancy paper and ribbon. I wrote on it using a nice font and put it in a wrapped box that was tied with beautiful ribbon . She was moved to tears.

3. This wasn’t for Christmas but when my dad turned 80 I proposed to my two sisters that we put together a tape recording and call it “A Tribute to Dad.” We each talked about important things we had learned from him and things we remembered as kids that he was a big part of. Apart from what we said, we incorporated some of his favorite music. To say that he was moved would be an understatement. It cost us next to nothing.

4. Last Christmas I put together a scrapbook for my sister of her favourite wedding pictures. She composed the journal entries for the pictures which I added to the pages. She was thrilled and I loved every minute of putting it together.

People complain that Christmas is getting way to “commercial.” It doesn’t have to be.

Holiday Blessings to all.

My eighteen year old daughter Claire is going away in May. She and nine other young people from her college are going to Guatemala to volunteer in an orphanage of 250 children from the area who are either orphaned or from poverty stricken homes. I’m proud of her, of course. I admire her sense of adventure and desire to make a difference in the world. She told me recently that she wants to pay for the entire trip herself. I admire her for that as well. She takes responsibility to make things happen in her life. She’s always been that way. She’ll be away for seven weeks.

It’s only November but I’m already feeling anxious about her going. We’re very close and I know it’s going to seem odd not having her around for seven weeks. I’ll miss her terribly. I’ve had her reassure me that she will have internet access while she’s there so we can keep in touch. I’m thinking that my Baby Sign classes run for eight weeks and the time seems to fly so maybe this will too. I know I’m being silly about this but I also know I can’t deny how I’m feeling. The reality is - our kids grow up and become adults.

I get so many great ideas from parents. Tonight I gave a workshop called: “Positive Parenting for Toddlers”. There were about twenty-five parents in attendance. One mom put her hand up and asked me if she thought it was Ok to let her son bring his teddy into the bathroom with him while he brushed his teeth. I had been talking about how we can word things differently to get the results we’re looking for. She noticed that when she tells her son it’s time to brush his teeth he doesn’t like to stop what he’s doing so she says: “You can bring your teddy into the bathroom with you and let him watch you brush your teeth.” “Is that OK?” she asked me. I told her I thought her idea was brilliant. She said sometimes he’s holding an apple and doesn’t want to let it go so she says: “You can put bring your apple with you and your apple can watch you brush your teeth.” Her son complies everytime. I told the group that sometimes we have to get creative. What a great example of creativity! It’s also a very good example of “positive parenting.”

We all enter the adult world with messages we received during our childhood. Some were positive and others were negative. Some came from parents, others from teachers or coaches and some from peers. You can bet if someone said to you only once: “You’ll never amount to anything” or “Why are you so stupid?” or “You can’t carry a tune” it has stuck with you. I remember when I was young a popular come-back was: “Stick and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.” The truth is we can heal easily from most physical wounds but the psychological wounds from words take a very long time to heal. Some people never get over harsh words they heard as a child.

Sometimes it’s also what was NOT said that we remember. Working with parents I’ve often heard: “I was never complimented for things I did well” or “I grew up thinking I was stupid.”

When we forget to acknowledge effort, hard work, improvement and accomplishments our children’s internal dialogue will sound like this: “If my parents don’t think I’m great then who will? I guess I can’t do anything well. No one seems to notice when I do a good job so why bother trying.”

If children are to enter the world with a strong sense of self, a willingness to try new things and the confidence to reach great heights it’s our job to help them become the best they can be. Our words have a profound impact on the view they have of themselves. We deliver a message that will forever stay with them both by what we say and by what we DON’T say.

I had a conversation this morning with a client around her anger. We identified that the root cause of much of her anger was frustation. She gave me a recent example. She went off to work on Saturday morning leaving her husband in charge of their three children. She asked that various chores be done and that the kids finish their homework . Her expectation was that Dad would ensure everything got done. She arrived home to discover nothing had been done. She did say though that her husband had prepared a beautiful meal for the family but he had not overseen the chores or homework.

Moms are great at multi-tasking. We can listen to a child, sort the laundry and meal plan all at the same time. We’re great at it. We assume that when we leave Dad in charge, he too can multi-task. He can’t. It’s as simple as that. I asked my client if when she goes to work she feels confident that her children are safe and well supervised. She said yes and infact she doesn’t even think about what’s going on at home while she’s at work because she knows her husband is there. I explained to her that dads just have a different way of doing things and if she let go of her expectations she would feel less frustrated. From his perspective he was home caring for the kids and making dinner for everyone. Wasn’t that worth acknowledging? Wasn’t that enough?

So our expectations are often not met when we leave Dad in charge. What about the fun they have and what about the fact that our kids are with someone who loves them as much as we do. Men and women are wired differently and that’s OK. What might seem obvious to Mom doesn’t to Dad. Life goes on even if the dishes don’t get done or homework doesn’t get completed when Dad is in charge. Would we feel less frustrated and therefore less angry if we let go of our expecations?