22 Nov
2005
By: Dr. Michele Borba
Excerpted from Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship
Problems and How to Solve Them by Michele Borba (Jossey-Bass Publishers;
April 2005).
“What were you thinking?” “But didn’t you tell the kids it wasn’t right?”
“You did what?!!@!” Are you concerned that your kid always seems to go
along with the crowd? Does she have a tough time speaking up and letting
her opinions be known? Have you noticed that your child can be easily
swayed to do what the other kids want? Some kids may call him a Wimp or a
Scaredy Cat, your terms may be more along the lines of submissive,
follower or even push over. This may not seem such a big deal now, but
peer pressure gets nothing but tougher as kids get older. After all, if he
has a tough time saying “no” to the tamer dilemmas of younger kids, fast
forward your concerns to the kinds of wilder, scarier issues he may face
later. And there is cause for some concern. A Time/Nickelodeon survey of
991 kids ages nine to fourteen revealed 36 percent feel pressure from
peers to smoke marijuana, 40 percent feel pressure to have sex, 36 percent
feel pressure to shoplift, and four out of ten feel pressure to drink.
Here’s the good news though: assertive skills can be taught to kids.
Though it is never too late, the sooner parents start boosting this
friendship skill builder, the greater your child’s confidence will be in
social settings, and the easier you’ll sleep. Here are a few strategies
from my book, Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, you can use to help
your child buck the negative peer pressure and stand up to peers.
Bring the issue into the open. If your kid is suffering from a lack of
assertive skills, it may be very hard for him to talk about this problem
so take the lead. “I noticed during play group today Johnny told you to
throw sand in the sink, and you did it. You know better. So let’s talk
about why you went along.” “You know Rene’s house is off limits, but you
went along with the group anyway. You have to learn to stand up to your
friends and do what you know is right.”
Share your beliefs. Parents who raise assertive kids who can stand up for
their beliefs don’t do so by accident. They make sure their children know
what they stand for. “In our family we don’t watch violent movies. Plain
and simple. So tell your friends you can’t go.” “I don’t care if all your
friends use four-letter words, for you that’s forbidden.” “The next time a
friend dares you to smoke a cigarette, just stand up and walk out. You
need to stick up for what you know is right. I know how much you hate
smoking.”
Stop rescuing. If your role has been apologizing, explaining, or basically
“doing” for your child, then stop. You child will never learn how to stand
up for himself. Instead, he’ll forever by relying on you.
Model assertiveness. If you want your child to be confident, assertive,
and stand up for his beliefs, make sure you display those behaviors. Kids
mimic what they see.
Teach how to say no. Ask your child to choose phrases he is most
comfortable using. “No” can be said alone: “NO!” It can also be followed
by a reason: “No, it’s just not my style.” “No thanks. My parents would
kill me.” “No, I don’t feel like doing that.” “No, I don’t want to.” “No.
I have to get home and I’m already late.” The child could suggest an
alternative: “No. Let’s think of something else.” “Nope. How bout we go to
the skate park instead?” Tell your child it’s not his job to change your
friend’s mind, but to stay true to his beliefs.
Teach confident body language. Push-over kids usually stand with heads
down, shoulders slumped, arms and knees quivering, and eyes downcast. So
even if he says “no” to his friends, his body sends a far different
message and his words will have little credibility. So it’s crucial to
teach your child assertive body posture: hold your head high, shoulders
slightly back, look your friend in the eye and use a confident, firm tone
of voice. It will help your child see what the confident body posture
looks like so she can use it herself. So role play with your child the
“confident look” and the “hesitant look.” Then encourage your child to be
on the look-out for “confident” or “hesitant” posture in other people.
Look everywhere: at the mall, on the playground, even television and movie
actors. Soon your child will instantly be able to spot confident posture
and copy and use it himself.
Use a firm voice. Emphasize the tone of your child’s voice is often more
important than what he says. So tell your child to speak in a strong tone
of voice. No yelling or whispering. Be friendly but determined. Just tell
the friend where you stand. A simple “No” or “No, I don’t want to” is fine
Reinforce assertiveness. If you want to raise a child who can stand up for
his beliefs, then reinforce any and all efforts your child makes to be
assertive and stand up for his beliefs. “I know that was tough telling
your friends you had to leave early to make your curfew. I’m proud you
were able to stand up to them and not just go along.”
Hold family debates. The best way for kids to learn to express themselves
is right at home, so why not start “Family Debates” or if you prefer the
more gentler-sounding approach: “Family Meetings”? Start by setting these
five rules: 1. Everyone is listened to. 2. No putdowns are allowed. 3. You
may disagree, but do so respectfully. 4. Talk calmly. 5. Everyone gets a
turn. Topics can be the hot button issues in the world, in school or right
in your home. Here are just a few discussion possibilities: house rules,
sibling conflicts, allowances, chores, curfews, parent-set movie
restrictions. “Real world” issues could include: reparations, the Iraq
War, the draft, lowering the voting age, legalizing drugs. Whatever the
topic, encourage your hesitant child’s to speak up and be heard.
Don’t tolerate excuses. You’ve been working on these skills, but your
child is still agreeing to do things she knows are wrong to go along with
the group such as going to sneaking into a R-rated movie or using bad
words. If this happens, be sure to take clear action to reestablish your
rules and your child’s need to stand up to peer pressure.
It’s not always easy to buck the crowd. Everyone wants to be liked. But
for your child’s own self-confidence, independence and future success in
life, it’s important he learn to stand up to a friend. So continue to
encourage each and effort he makes, and help him practice the skills of
assertiveness until he can confidently use them alone. And above all,
remember simple changes can reap big results. So don’t give up.
Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renown educator, motivational
speaker, who has presented keynotes and workshops to over one million
parents and teachers on four continents, and is the recipient of the
National Educator Award. Dr. Borba serves on honorary board to Parents
magazine and has appeared as a guest expert on Today, The Early Show, The
View, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, and NPR. She is the award-winning author of 20
books including Parents Do Make A Difference, No More Misbehavin’,
Building Moral Intelligence, Don’t Give Me That Attitude! and Nobody Likes
Me, Everybody Hates Me (all Jossey-Bass). For more information about her
work see http://www.micheleborba.com/.
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