The Parenting Coach

I had a call last week from a freelance writer who was writing a story for “Today’s Parent” magazine on getting kids to clean up their messes. She wanted some tips from me for her story and said she would be sharing them (mine and a couple of other parenting experts) with a few of her friends to try out on their kids. The story won’t be coming out until July so I’ll give you a preview of my contribution.

When it comes to cleaning up messes or doing anything we ask, children are no different than anyone else and will respond in a way that gives them some control. Usually it’s by arguing or simply refusing to do what we ask. I will often tell parents it’s like if your partner asks you to wash the car, or vacuum the living room. Your automatic internal response is: “Just because you asked me to do it, I don’t think I will.” If you do comply to their request, you do it begrudgingly. Children are no different. We are all more willing to comply if a request is worded in a way that gives us some control. As well, we all want to feel respected.

When we ask young children to clean their room, we can expect that 99% of the time, they’re not going to. If they do, it usually requires a lot of nagging and arguing. For one thing, young children find it too overwhelming. They don’t have the organizational skills required to tidy a room properly. They don’t know where to start.

Knowing that we all want some power and control around what we’re being asked to do, we can say to a young child: “Do you want to pick up the big things or the little things.” Or you can say, “Do you want to pick up the blocks, or the train?” If they know how to count, you can say: “I’m going to set the timer. How many things do you think you can pick up in five minutes?” In other words, try and make a game out of it. Also, you have to accept that fact that cleaning a room requires parental involvement.

If a child has dropped something, you can say: “As soon as you’ve picked up the ________, I’ll know you’re ready to go outside.” If you’re trying to get them to put away shoes and boots you can say the same thing. “As soon as you’ve put your shoes away, I’ll know you’re ready for your snack.”

If your child has spilled something, you can say: “Here’s a rag to clean it up. Do you want some help, or can you do it by yourself?” Another thing you might say is: “It looks like we need a broom. Can you get it yourself, or do you want me to get it for you?”

It’s not that cleaning up messes is negotiable, it’s that we need to choose our words carefully when we’re wanting co-operation and remember that children, like adults want to feel they have some power and control. It’s crucial how we word our requests as well.

I have two teenagers; Claire is eighteen and Marc is sixteen. We’re nearing the end of all that emcompasses raising teenagers. It has required vigilance on the part of my husband and I. I would say they’re both “textbook” adolescents so we’ve have to deal with a variety of situations. Claire can now look back and shake her head at some of the choices she made but feel proud that she has become a mature, responsible and productive young adult.

An attitude most teenagers adopt is one that says: “I don’t need my parents anymore. ” Even though we know they need us they try hard to make us think otherwise. Marc reminded me recently how much he depends on us being there for him. My husband frequently works out of town so it’s often just the three of us at home. While Marc and I were driving home the other day he said to me: “When is Dad coming home?” I told him he would be home that night at around midnight. He often asks me when he’s coming home. I then asked him: “How do you feel about Dad being out of town so much?” He said, “Well he’s always home on the weekends and he’s usually only gone for a couple of days at a time, so it’s OK.” I realized how central his Dad is in his life and although he doesn’t say it, he prefers it when we’re both home.

Teenagers say all sorts of things to give the impression they don’t need or want our input. We have to learn not to take their comments personally or take their remarks too seriously. They are going through a process of separating from us while at the same time needing the anchor we provide.

Every child is born with unique characteristics but their feeling of worth comes from their home environment. Parents play a significant role in their child’s sense of self. Our response to their accomplishments, their efforts, and our willingness to support those qualities that make them special all contribute to the very important feeling of self-worth.

Helping a child feel good about how he/she is starts with how we feel about ourselves. We can’t give what we don’t have. Do we take time out for ourselves? Do we have clear boundaries? Do we give ourselves permission to make mistakes?

On Tuesday, February 15th, I’m leading a telelcass on self-esteem called: “I Like Me.” If you are a Parenting Coach member the fee is included in your membership. Click on to the my homepage for all the details.

Children who grow up liking who they are will take risks because they’re not afraid to fail. They are more likely to lead rather than follow and they tend to make friends easily.

I look forward to “seeing” you on the call!

I just want to share with you what is in the works right now. Sommer, my wonderful Virtual Assistant is putting together a Parenting Coach Members Page. If you’ve thought about private coaching but either couldn’t afford it or couldn’t fit it into your schedule, I’ve got a solution. A membership will give you access to my monthly teleclasses, my audio seminars which I will continue to add to, my ebook, PLUS access to the “Ask The Parenting Coach” area where you can email me with a question at your convenience and I’ll reply to you personally. This will be a ONE TIME membership fee of only $150.00. Also, all the teleclasses will be recorded so if you miss one you can access the the recording from the “Parenting Coach Members” area.

My first teleclass for 2006 is called “I Like Me” where parents can learn the tools to create a feeling of positive self-worth in their children. Children who like themselves are more confident, don’t feel defeated by mistakes and set-backs and are more likely to lead than to follow. All the details will be listed in the next few days. Keep watching.