Getting Kids to Clean Up Their Messes

I had a call last week from a freelance writer who was writing a story for “Today’s Parent” magazine on getting kids to clean up their messes. She wanted some tips from me for her story and said she would be sharing them (mine and a couple of other parenting experts) with a few of her friends to try out on their kids. The story won’t be coming out until July so I’ll give you a preview of my contribution.

When it comes to cleaning up messes or doing anything we ask, children are no different than anyone else and will respond in a way that gives them some control. Usually it’s by arguing or simply refusing to do what we ask. I will often tell parents it’s like if your partner asks you to wash the car, or vacuum the living room. Your automatic internal response is: “Just because you asked me to do it, I don’t think I will.” If you do comply to their request, you do it begrudgingly. Children are no different. We are all more willing to comply if a request is worded in a way that gives us some control. As well, we all want to feel respected.

When we ask young children to clean their room, we can expect that 99% of the time, they’re not going to. If they do, it usually requires a lot of nagging and arguing. For one thing, young children find it too overwhelming. They don’t have the organizational skills required to tidy a room properly. They don’t know where to start.

Knowing that we all want some power and control around what we’re being asked to do, we can say to a young child: “Do you want to pick up the big things or the little things.” Or you can say, “Do you want to pick up the blocks, or the train?” If they know how to count, you can say: “I’m going to set the timer. How many things do you think you can pick up in five minutes?” In other words, try and make a game out of it. Also, you have to accept that fact that cleaning a room requires parental involvement.

If a child has dropped something, you can say: “As soon as you’ve picked up the ________, I’ll know you’re ready to go outside.” If you’re trying to get them to put away shoes and boots you can say the same thing. “As soon as you’ve put your shoes away, I’ll know you’re ready for your snack.”

If your child has spilled something, you can say: “Here’s a rag to clean it up. Do you want some help, or can you do it by yourself?” Another thing you might say is: “It looks like we need a broom. Can you get it yourself, or do you want me to get it for you?”

It’s not that cleaning up messes is negotiable, it’s that we need to choose our words carefully when we’re wanting co-operation and remember that children, like adults want to feel they have some power and control. It’s crucial how we word our requests as well.