The Parenting Coach

Over the years I’ve worked with a number of clients who feel anxious around the real or perceived disapproval of their parenting, from their parents. They feel a certain amount of shame that their children’s behavior isn’t living up to their expectations. They feel pressure to toilet train their two year old because their parent is saying things like: “Shouldn’t he be using the potty by now?’ or “You should spank her when she does that” or “You kids never acted like that”.

It doesn’t matter how old we are, we still yearn for our parent’s approval. We somehow think if our kids are misbehaving, we’ve disappointed them by not being the parent they think we should be. We want so badly for them to be proud of our kid’s accomplishments and be able to brag to their friends how polite, accomplished and well-behaved they are. We’re adults but there is still a child in us wanting to make our parents proud.

When my kids were small there were many times I would be squirming when my parents would come to visit or when we were at their house. Lots of times they were noisy, when I know my dad wanted quiet. Often they wouldn’t engage in conversation when one of my parents was asking them something. Sometimes there would be persistent whining that I knew would be grating on their nerves. My mom thought I should have stopped breast-feeding long before I did. When they became young teenagers I often cringed when “conversation” was limited to single words. I’ve had words of disapproval around the amount of driving I’ve done for my kids.

I’ve learned over the years to let go of the anxiety and just believe my husband and I are doing what is best for our kids. I have to remind myself that how we choose to raise them is no one’s business but ours. Just because someone has a lot more experience than you in something doesn’t make their way the right way.

One thing our parents don’t understand is that their “constructive criticism” or “suggestions” don’t inspire us to be better parents. We’re left feeling inadequate and that we don’t quite measure up. We want their support and encouragement, just as we did when we were children.

I have learned that the more I like myself and trust in my intuition, the less I am affected by any perceived or real criticism. When we feel confident and believe in ourselves, we exude that confidence which is picked up by the people around us, including our parents.

Remember how you raise your children is no one’s business but yours. If you and your partner choose to seek the advice and support of an outside person, that is to be your decision and no one else’s. There will always be some decisions you make that your parents will question, but that’s OK.

When I married my husband he was the custodial parent of his five year old twin boys. They both happened to be deaf and relied on American Sign Language to communicate. When we had children their first language was Sign Language because they were exposed to it everyday and it was easy for them to pick up individual signs. At that time no one ever talked about it for hearing babies but it just seemed obvious to us. They had a way to communicate long before they could talk. My daughter had around thirty signs she used regularly.

About four years ago I was approached by the Deaf Children’s Society here in Vancouver to teach what they were calling “Baby Sign”. I had taught Introductory Sign Language for many years but had never taught it to hearing babies. They introduced me to Joseph Garcia’s program Sign With Your Baby which had been running for a few years. I decided I would use my Early Childhood Education background and knowledge of Sign Language to develop a program of my own. (I have been signing since the mid ’70’s.) I asked my step-son Roger if he would illustrate 80 signs for me that I had made into a book. His illustrations are clear and easy to follow.

Since my initial introduction to the whole notion of signing with hearing babies, I have met and worked with hundreds of parents who use Sign Language with their babies. For most it has been a God send because it reduces the frustration level of both parent and child, enormously. It’s also very empowering for a baby or toddler to be able to identify pictures in a book or tell you what he/she wants.

If you are a parent who signs with your baby, have a look at the baby clothes I have for sale . Click on the “Apparel” page. You’ll have a great conversation piece when people see a hand gesture on your baby’s shirt.

I am working with a couple of clients right now who are raising young boys. As I was raising a young boy, they are perplexed at their love of rough play, guns and weaponry. I grew up with sisters and didn’t even have boy cousins to play with so this was all quite new to me when my son wanted to turn everything into a gun and couldn’t have enough swords and action figures. He loved to wrestle with his friends and was often seen “shooting” someone. Did we supply him with toy guns? I was dead against ever buying him any kind of a gun but finally broke down and bought him a squirt gun. Once I was satisfied his squirt guns were harmless, he ended up having several, over the years. I realized that no amount of discouraging such play was going to make a difference. It seemed he was like most of the other little boys in the neighborhood and in his preschool and elementary school. I read the book “Raising Cain” by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson when my son was about eight years old which helped explain a lot.

I have explained to my two clients who are moms of boys, that their sons’ behavior doesn’t mean they are going to become aggressive adults and that it was all quite normal. I have yet to see any research supporting the notion that men who turn into criminals turned out that way because they played with toy guns as young boys. My son now at sixteen is not at all aggressive in his behavior.

While doing an internet search for further resources, I found a link with information around raising boys that offers insights to anyone wondering why boys are the way they are. It includes a Q&A section with answers from Michael Thompson who co-authored “Raising Cain”.