Competition Between Twins

I had an interesting call recently from a mother of boy/ girl twins. She was asking for some guidance around her daughter’s intense desire to win. She said she saw everything as a competition. If her brother ran a certain distance, she wanted to run just a little further. If her brother had an extra cookie, so did she. Whatever her brother did she wanted to do the same but take it just a little further. I said that it was natural for siblings to compete and especially twins but she had taken it to another level. I explained that I too had raised twins so knew what she meant by their need to compete. I helped raise my husband’s twin sons from his previous marriage and one was always trying to beat the other at whatever it was they were doing.

This mother had called me after I had given a talk to the parents of her children’s preschool on Sibling Rivalry. I talked a lot about a child’s need to feel special and that we need to be able to draw out and acknowledge each’s child’s unique talents. During my coaching call with her, she explained in detail the dynamic between her twins and from her story I wondered if her daughter might simply be wanting an identity separate from her brother. It’s easy to see twins as a unit. They are very often referred to as “the twins” rather than by their names. I admit we were guilty of that as well except that we would refer to my husband’s twin boys as “the boys” which was really no better.

My client stated that her twin daughter excelled at singing although she had never had lessons and she loved to sing. Her love of singing was something her brother didn’t share so I suggested to her that she capitalize on her daughter’s gift and create opportunities for her to showcase her talent. I said to her: “Who doesn’t love to hear a beautiful voice, especially from a young child?” I suggested that her need to compete with her brother would diminish if she knew there was something she had that belonged to her and her only. It would be “her thing”.