The Parenting Coach

Many years ago I was given a hand-out that simply said: “6 Critical Life Message” and then listed them. There was no author’s name on it but I believe it was Barbara Coloroso who wrote it. I’ve shared these life messages with almost every parent I’ve ever worked with. Here they are:

I trust you.

I believe in you.

I know you can handle this.

You are very important to me.

I will care for you.

You are listened to.

I recently had an inquiry from a mom around using a reward system to motivate her two kids to do what she wanted them to do. She felt the system worked for the most part, but it did have some flaws. She wanted some feedback from me. This was my response to her:

I will tell you what my own personal philosophy is around tangible rewards. I feel we need to teach children to do what is right simply because it’s the right thing to do to get along in the world. We get tangibly rewarded with money when we start working at a job outside the home and when kids do very well in school they might get a trophy or a certificate. What we don’t want to encourage is the notion that in order for them to do what is asked of them, they will expect a reward. They start to acquire a “what’s in it for me” attitude. We want them to be internally motivated. When raising children, it’s important to mimic as best as we can, what would occur in life when they grow up. The objective is that when they get older, doing the right thing will be automatic. We get rewarded in life by friends, activities, verbal recognition, good health, etc. Those are all natural consequences of actions we take.

The rush to get kids out the door for school can be very stressful. Usually the best way to handle is it to be very organized and have as much prepared the night before. If you can make it as easy as possible on everyone, then there is an opportunity to say things like: “I like how fast you got dressed” or “thanks for remembering to brush your teeth” - things like that.

In terms of chores; the more chores they have the more opportunity for conflict so my suggestion is to look carefully at what you’re expecting them to do and see if some adjustments can be made. Remember your relationship is everything and sometimes it’s worth it to drop something in favor of the relationship.

I’ve just finished taping my radio show and I included a segment this week on personal boundaries. Thomas Leonard, the founder of Coachville said that one of the secrets to having a happy life was to have clear boundaries.

What does it mean to have clear boundaries? Well for one thing boundaries protect us from toxic energy. They keep us away from people that make us feel bad. They stop us from doing things to please others but hurt us. They ensure people respect our privacy.

The way to establish clear boundaries is to learn to say what you need and want and feel completely comfortable saying no. It also means being able to release yourself from the outcome. That is being able to say no or to ask for what you need or want and not worry if you’ve upset the person you’re addressing.

I came across a survey that helps determine if you are a person with issues around personal boundaries. Here are a few of the questions on the survey:

I have difficulty saying “no” to people. Never/ Seldom /Occasionally/ Often/ Usually
People take or use my things without asking me.
I find myself getting involved with people who end up hurting me.
I would rather go along with another person or other people than express what I’d really like to do.
I feel responsible for other people’s feelings.

The complete survey can be found at www.aplaceofhope.com. It was put together by Dr. Greg Jantz of the Center for Counseling and Health Resources, Inc.

Parents who have clear boundaries command more respect than those who don’t. They also role model, therefore teach their kids about having boundaries.

My husband, son and I just came back from a brief road trip to Portland, Oregon. The journey took us about six hours, each way. My husband did all the driving. I drive all the time within the city, but I’m not comfortable driving on busy freeways. Also, I have a handicap. I have no sense of direction. I frequently lose my car in parking lots and often get myself all turned around when I’m looking for a place I’ve never been to before.

My husband on the other hand almost NEVER gets lost and is cool as a cucumber in any kind of traffic or weather condition. He’s the kind of driver who drives somewhere once and five years later can go directly to the same location with no problem. I’m in awe of how he so effortlessly finds his way around a city. We once drove from Montreal to New York City and he drove directly to our hotel with no problem. I can’t imagine where we would have ended up if I was driving. Well let’s face it, it just wouldn’t have happened.

This all reminds me that each of us have our strengths and bring different things to the family. Some of the things I do well elude my husband. Our team becomes stronger when we celebrate our differences and draw out and recognize the strengths of each other.