Healthy Boundaries: Respect for Yourself and Others

By: Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC

Healthy boundaries are like invisible safety zones that surround each person. Boundaries help us keep ourselves safe, and keep us from doing harm to others. Here are some examples:

17-year-old Vicki goes out for pizza with friends. Vicki stops eating when she feels full.

Vicki maintains her healthy boundary by listening to what her body wants and needs, without feeling pressured to fit in, and possibly overeat.

Annie meets Mario, a new friend, for coffee. Annie and Mario enjoy their conversation, and the time flies by. When they are ready to leave, Annie asks Mario if she can give him a hug.

Both Annie and Mario have warm and happy feelings about each other after their conversation. Rather than assuming that it is okay to hug Mario, Annie shows respect for Mario by asking if a hug is okay. Annie protects her own boundary by not forcing a hug when it is not wanted.

We are born with our boundaries intact. In normal human development, we learn to distinguish between others, and ourselves, between our feelings and the feelings of others. We learn that we can have thoughts, ideas, dreams, wishes that do not have to be the same as the dreams and wishes of others.

These are some of the signs of healthy boundaries:
- having appropriate trust
- deciding whether a potential relationship will be good for you
- self-respect – not giving too much in hope that someone will like you
- respect for others – not taking advantage of someone’s generosity
- saying “NO” to gifts, food, touch that you do not want
- recognizing that friends and partners are not mind-readers

You can improve your boundaries by paying attention to your actions. Consider your motivation when deciding to do or not to do something. You can learn to have better boundaries for yourself and others. If unhealthy boundaries are really a problem for you, it is a good idea to seek help. A therapist can help you understand how your boundaries became damaged, and provide support as you learn new and healthier ways to interact.

© 2006 Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC – All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC www.CynthiaMckennaCounseling.com is a therapist and life-coach who helps people have more joy and peace in daily living. Cynthia works with clients throughout the United States by phone and email. You can schedule a session with Cynthia, sign up for her e-newsletter, get more information, or request a copy of “Healthy & Unhealthy Boundaries” here: www.CynthiaMcKennaCounseling.com/contact.htm Check out Cynthia McKenna’s Blog: www.counseling.typepad.com