Using a Reward System

I recently had an inquiry from a mom around using a reward system to motivate her two kids to do what she wanted them to do. She felt the system worked for the most part, but it did have some flaws. She wanted some feedback from me. This was my response to her:

I will tell you what my own personal philosophy is around tangible rewards. I feel we need to teach children to do what is right simply because it’s the right thing to do to get along in the world. We get tangibly rewarded with money when we start working at a job outside the home and when kids do very well in school they might get a trophy or a certificate. What we don’t want to encourage is the notion that in order for them to do what is asked of them, they will expect a reward. They start to acquire a “what’s in it for me” attitude. We want them to be internally motivated. When raising children, it’s important to mimic as best as we can, what would occur in life when they grow up. The objective is that when they get older, doing the right thing will be automatic. We get rewarded in life by friends, activities, verbal recognition, good health, etc. Those are all natural consequences of actions we take.

The rush to get kids out the door for school can be very stressful. Usually the best way to handle is it to be very organized and have as much prepared the night before. If you can make it as easy as possible on everyone, then there is an opportunity to say things like: “I like how fast you got dressed” or “thanks for remembering to brush your teeth” - things like that.

In terms of chores; the more chores they have the more opportunity for conflict so my suggestion is to look carefully at what you’re expecting them to do and see if some adjustments can be made. Remember your relationship is everything and sometimes it’s worth it to drop something in favor of the relationship.