The Parenting Coach

We’re heading into a weekend everyone.  What do you have planned?  Is it a weekend filled with chores and errands, or have you scheduled in some fun?  I admit although we’re a pretty happy household we don’t put enough effort into planning fun activities.  On  Saturday night my husband and I are going to see a play.  We hear it’s really funny.  It’s been a long time since we’ve seen a live performance; probably over a year.  I don’t think theres’ anything quite like seeing something live.  I’m really looking forward to it.  There are so many things we talk about doing but that’s where it ends. I decided it was time to take more action.

My daughter is a pro at scheduling fun into her life.  She’s organized two nights out with different groups of friends.  She’s 19 now and has been organizing events since she was about 6 years old.  With e-mail it’s so easy to connect with a lot of people at once to get things happening.  Her actions remind me how it’s up to us to create what we want in our lives.

You know when we make time for fun we just feel better.  The better we feel, the more likely we are to attract more of the good life.  That’s just the way it works.

Have a fabulous weekend and make it fun!

This came from the parenting forum I co-moderate. It was in response to a mother who was reaching out for some support and advice around her teenage daughter.

My hubby and I thought we would raise our children by the “book”; every stage would fit…correctly.

Our first shock was when our oldest turned into a living, breathing (fire) teenager!!! We were in shock most of that time….LOL. This wasn’t the way we expected these years to be.

We were shocked that our only son would “want” to ditch school and decided to take our 2-ton Van on a joy ride with his friends…underage!!!

We never expected our “baby” daughter to be a “teenage” Mom.

We never expected any of our children to walk throug a terrrible divorce.

We never expected any of our children to move back home….with their children.

But, it all happened and we ALL survived and All thrived.

Our children are our Masterpieces….”warts and all”!!

Love her where she is and she will blossom. And enjoy her where she is…she will amaze you as my girls have truly amazed us.

We are not little “books” running around. These are God’s perfect gift to us. In your home, she will be just fine.
Time is too short for negative messages. God’s promises cover all of us and our desires for our children.

I will remember to keep all of you in prayer; it brings back alot of difficult memories for me, but, we are on the glorious “other side”.

With a thankful heart and a heart for families.!!

Love,

Gloria
http://mylittletasteofitaly.com

I’ve had a few parents approach me recently asking how to control their badly behaved child. I’m talking about things like outright defiance, very disrespectful back-talk and general disruptive behavior.

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to any of these questions. I always want to examine the big picture. Children normally misbehave for a reason. If you’re familiar with the “S.T.E.P.” Program (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting); they outline four main reasons why children misbehave. They are: to get attention, to gain power and control, to get revenge, or because of feelings of inadequacy. I often tell parents as well that if children are unclear of their boundaries they’ll test their limits by misbehaving. They want to find out for themselves how far they can go.

One thing I’ll often ask a parent is if there has been any change recently in the household? Did a parent recently go back to work? Has there been a tragic event in the family recently? Are the parents fighting more than usual in front of the kids? Has the child recently started school or adjusting to a new caregiver? Has the family moved recently? All of these things will affect our children’s behavior. There is of course the other factor of adjusting to a new sibling.

Once we become aware of what the cause of the behavior is we can start to address it more effectively. For instance if there are changes in routine, you can get into a conversation about that with your child and just acknowledge what he/she might be experiencing. If you realize you’ve been pre-occupied with something going on in the family or with your job, you can address that and realize your child might be feeling ignored.

If we simply address the behavior without figuring out the cause chances are we’re going to start seeing the same bad behavior surfacing. Figuring out the cause doesn’t necessarily eliminate the problem but it’s the first step to take in finding a solution.

I was coaching a mom recently who wanted my advice around separating from her infant son for a few days. She and her husband have to go away for a few days on business. Her son is six months old and just recently weaned. Their options are bringing him with them or leaving him at home with her mother. The children would be spending some of the time with their nanny and some of the time with their grandma.

Leaving an infant overnight in someone else’s care isn’t easy. We worry about the caregiver having to deal with things like inconsolable crying and feeding issues. It’s also really hard emotionally to leave a baby overnight because we’ve just bonded with them and have become accustomed to being physically close most of the time. Also, we’re in tuned with them in a way that others are not. Your baby becomes a part of you and the thought of leaving them feels like that part of you is missing. Mothers especially feel that way. I know I did for sure.

I explained to my client that given the option of bringing her son with them on their trip and leaving him in the care of her mother and nanny, the latter would be the most practical. I told her he would be fine and it would much harder on her than on him. True, he might cry a lot in the night and there may be some challenges but he will be well looked after and the two people who will be in charge love him to bits. He will also have his sister with him who he’s used to. I think all my client needed was my assurance that she wasn’t being a bad mother by leaving her six month old for a few days while she went away.

I came across a very insightful comment on mothering. This is a great example of how common sense reigns.
http://www.blogger.com/publish-comment.do?blogID=20489482&postID=113631398883256914&r=ok

Part of being a parent of teenagers is watching them go through relationships. Friendships blossom and then fade, they go through rough patches and some become very long term. There are also romantic relationships which often begin in the late teens. My daughter has had three boyfriends. Each of them lasted for around a year. She recently ended her relationship with her boyfriend of 15 months. Whether you’re the one leaving or the one being left, it’s never easy. No one likes to be hurt and it’s not easy hurting someone else. We’ve had floods of tears the last few days and long chats into the night.

A good friend of mine was recently telling me about her son and his relationship which has gone on for over a year. He’s 19; the same age as my daughter. I commented to her that we’ve entered a new phase of parenting; that is being parents to our young adult children. We can’t make decisions for them but they still need us for guidance and support. We know they have to work through their challenges like we all did. Sometimes it’s hard as a parent to stand back and watch them make mistakes but we know we have to. There is no better way to learn.

My 17 year old son has a girlfriend. They’ve been together a few months and things seem to be going well. We don’t witness any conflict and they appear to genuinely enjoy each other. This is his first so we know he’ll go through a break-up at some point as well. Boys though process things very differently than girls do. It will be interesting to see how he handles it when the time comes.