Is your child out of control?

I’ve had a few parents approach me recently asking how to control their badly behaved child. I’m talking about things like outright defiance, very disrespectful back-talk and general disruptive behavior.

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to any of these questions. I always want to examine the big picture. Children normally misbehave for a reason. If you’re familiar with the “S.T.E.P.” Program (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting); they outline four main reasons why children misbehave. They are: to get attention, to gain power and control, to get revenge, or because of feelings of inadequacy. I often tell parents as well that if children are unclear of their boundaries they’ll test their limits by misbehaving. They want to find out for themselves how far they can go.

One thing I’ll often ask a parent is if there has been any change recently in the household? Did a parent recently go back to work? Has there been a tragic event in the family recently? Are the parents fighting more than usual in front of the kids? Has the child recently started school or adjusting to a new caregiver? Has the family moved recently? All of these things will affect our children’s behavior. There is of course the other factor of adjusting to a new sibling.

Once we become aware of what the cause of the behavior is we can start to address it more effectively. For instance if there are changes in routine, you can get into a conversation about that with your child and just acknowledge what he/she might be experiencing. If you realize you’ve been pre-occupied with something going on in the family or with your job, you can address that and realize your child might be feeling ignored.

If we simply address the behavior without figuring out the cause chances are we’re going to start seeing the same bad behavior surfacing. Figuring out the cause doesn’t necessarily eliminate the problem but it’s the first step to take in finding a solution.