Are you living for your parents?

I had my first session today with a new client who came to me around difficulties she is having with her six year old daughter.  We spent a lot of time talking about her background and what brought her to the place she is now; that is a very discontented person.  Without going into all the details she said she allowed her dad to make all her decisions for her.  He made it clear that he knew what was best for her and other options would not be supported.   The result is a grown woman who doesn’t know who she is or what her own values are.  She’s a woman who is carrying around a lot of resentment.  Her kids pick up the tab. 

 We’re going to be working together to craft a life that truely reflects who she is.  We need to find out what her values are, what she’s tolerating, what makes her laugh, and what her passions are.  It may ultimately mean making some big changes.  It will mean letting go of trying to please her dad and learning to please herself instead.  The end result will be a happy mom who will be more patient, tolerant and better able to embrace all that comes her way as a parent. 

One thing that was interesting to me was in the course of the conversation she said:  “We have very high expectations of our daughter.  She’s very bright and mature for her age.”  I pointed out that that sounded much like her dad.  She put her head down and agreed that she was repeating a pattern. 

When I hear stories like this it reminds all of us who are parents to let go of our expectations and allow our kids to be who they are.  Celebrate their special telents and interests.  Love them for exactly who they were meant to be; not what we want them to become.  We all say we want our kids to be happy but living someone else’s dream does not produce a happy adult.