The Parenting Coach

I had an email today from a writer for “Today’s Parent” magazine asking if she could interview me for an article on New Year’s resolutions.  That’s how far ahead magazines work.  One topic she has in mind is “Resolving to listen”.  It’s a good topic because I know many of us don’t take the time to really listen to our kids.  We don’t hear what life is like from their perspective.  We often don’t ask questions that let them know we’re interested in their world.  We’re often too busy telling them what to do or what not to do.

I was coaching a mom today who is having some challenges with her teenage daughter. She admitted that she doesn’t take the time to listen to her often enough.  She remembers when she was the same age and no one listened to her. I told her she has the opportunity now to give to her daughter what no one was able to give to her.

We get so caught up in correcting our kids and making sure they’re doing their homework and getting them to their lessons on time.  We’re on to them about cleaning their room and picking up toys.  But how often do we really sit down and listen to them about how their day went or how they’re enjoying something?  Do we ask what their favorite subject in school is?  Do we ask who they like to play with at preschool?  Do we ask them what the best part about the weekend was?

A message we want to give our kids is: “I’m here to listen to you and you will be heard.”

A couple of years ago I was chatting with an aquaintance of mine who happens to have a teenage son the same age as mine.  He was distressed at the friends he was hanging around with and felt they were a bad influence.  His solution was to sell their house and move to a more affluent neighborhood so his son would make friends with teenagers who he considered to be more desirable and a more positive influence.  He didn’t ask my opinion nor did I share my opinion.  It was none of my business.  I did though think in my head that he was making a mistake.  We all know how important peers are at this age.  Teenagers want to hang out with their friends and aren’t usually keen on spending time with their parents.  I felt his son would probably resent having to leave the friends he’s been with for many years whether his parents liked them or not.  Trying to fit into an already established group is very difficult at this age and can often lead them to become very angry.  The need to belong at this stage of life is profound.

A few days ago this same dad called our house to speak with my husband.  We got caught up on what our boys were up to.  He told me moving was a mistake and the friends his son had chosen in the new neighborhood were in some cases “worse” than the other friends.  He thought moving away from his other friends would also enable him to focus more on his school work as well.  It didn’t. 

When my father was a boy his family had to move the summer before his last year of high school.  It meant he couldn’t graduate with the friends he’s grown up with and all his new friends from high school.  He told us many times how hard it was for him.

During the teen years our kids will choose friends who we might deem to be undesirable or not a good influence.  The truth is the more we complain about their friends the more they will insist on keeping them.  Being with all kinds of different people is another way of finding out who we are and who we’re most comfortable with.  It’s a process.  If we provide the guidance, support, love and stability they need to thrive, all types of people will come and go throughout their teen years and the majority will survive.  By the time they enter the adult world they will have a clearer sense of the kind of people that are truly aligned with who they are.   

Tomorrow my “baby” dons a navy blue tuxedo and goes off in a limousine with his friends to attend his high school graduation dinner and dance.  I know it’s a cliche but I can’t believe how fast the time has gone.   It seems like yesterday he was flying through the house wearing his batman cape.  At that time it was hard to imagine him wearing a tux for real.

  It’s a funny time for parents when our children prepare to enter the adult world.  There’s sadness knowing it’s an end to the stage of life we call childhood.  There’s also a tremendous feeling of pride watching them grow up.  I know Marc will do well in the world.  He’s a kind, sensitive and talented young man.  He takes a lot of pride in his appearance and steps up the the plate when the occasion requires him to do so. 

Tomorrow night I get to have the first dance with Marc.  He towers over me now.  There’s nothing that moves me more emotionally than being with my children during these momentous occasions.  I feel choked up just thinking about it.  My little batman will be all dressed up in a fancy suit to celebrate his high school graduation.

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, step-mothers and grandmothers as well as mothers-to-be.  This is an article I wrote some time ago that I would like to post again.

In Praise of Mothers 

By:  Barbara Desmarais
       Parenting and Life Coach

As May is the month we celebrate mothers, I want to dedicate my article this month to mothers to be, mothers of children of all ages, grandmothers and step-mothers. 
  To mothers to be, we raise a toast to you as you prepare to embark on this journey of wonder, excitement, challenges beyond your every expectation and joy that few experiences in life can exceed. 
  

I honour all the mothers of the world who have chosen to stay home and raise their children, despite the financial sacrifices.  You’ve chosen a job that society scarcely recognizes and provides no monetary reward for yet plays a profound role in shaping responsible, loving, fulfilled human beings.
  I honour those who are juggling their role as mother and their paying job outside the home.  My hat goes off to you all as you struggle with the guilt that often plagues the mind of a working mom while trying to pursue a chosen career.  For most of us, working outside the home is a financial necessity and for others we’ve discovered that we make better mothers spending some time away from home.  I support and salute you all!
  

I honour all the single mothers who are trying to be both Mom and Dad and are often living on minimum income.  Your role is difficult and demanding.  You all need our support and praise. Most of you are holding down full time jobs while trying to raise children on your own.  It takes such courage and fortitude. 
  I honour all our mothers and grandmothers who provided us with the skills, guidance, support and love that have helped shape us into the mothers we are today.  We all value your continued support and love as we raise our own children.  We offer gratitude to those who helped give mothers today choices and an identity beyond our role as mother.
  

I honour step-mothers struggling to simultaneously define their role and blend into an existing family.  Some have children of their own and are trying to facilitate the formation of new relationships and others are helping to raise their partner’s children.  Step-mothers have numerous special challenges that need our support.    

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO YOU ALL!  

Yesterday I had to give a talk to a group of parents in another town.  It involved a forty-five minute drive to a ferry terminal and then a forty minute ferry ride.  I drive but the truth is I’d rather not.  I especially don’t like driving on freeways.  I generally stay within the city.  I was feeling anxious about having to do the drive and wished there was another way.  A few days ago a thought popped into my head:  “Why don’t I just take transit?”  As soon as I gave myself an alternative, I felt a huge sense of relief.  

On route to the ferry terminal a good friend that I hadn’t seen in a couple of years boarded the bus at one of the stops.  She was on her way home; the exact town I was going to to give my workshop!  We had a great visit.  On my way home, I got into a lengthy, interesting conversation with a fellow bus passenger who happened to have many connections in the coaching world. 

Had I  made the choice to drive, my day would have turned out quite differently.  Instead of being stressed and anxious I was completely relaxed.  The whole experience was positive from start to finish.  It just again reminded me that the way we live our lives is up to us.  We all have choices.  

Last year as a way to honor mothers during the month of May, I offered an hour of complementary coaching to all mothers who visited my site.  I’ve decided to make it an annual event.  If you feel you could benefit from a little coaching or need a little support, pop over to my site www.theparentingcoach.com for all the details.  I have a toll-free number so you won’t have to pay for anything.  I connected with so many great women last year.  I’m thrilled to be doing it again. 

My friend and co-worker Kim Emerson has come up with an interesting way to create some interest for her upcoming book and trip to NYC. 

http://www.prleap.com/pr/75408/