Teenagers and change

A couple of years ago I was chatting with an aquaintance of mine who happens to have a teenage son the same age as mine.  He was distressed at the friends he was hanging around with and felt they were a bad influence.  His solution was to sell their house and move to a more affluent neighborhood so his son would make friends with teenagers who he considered to be more desirable and a more positive influence.  He didn’t ask my opinion nor did I share my opinion.  It was none of my business.  I did though think in my head that he was making a mistake.  We all know how important peers are at this age.  Teenagers want to hang out with their friends and aren’t usually keen on spending time with their parents.  I felt his son would probably resent having to leave the friends he’s been with for many years whether his parents liked them or not.  Trying to fit into an already established group is very difficult at this age and can often lead them to become very angry.  The need to belong at this stage of life is profound.

A few days ago this same dad called our house to speak with my husband.  We got caught up on what our boys were up to.  He told me moving was a mistake and the friends his son had chosen in the new neighborhood were in some cases “worse” than the other friends.  He thought moving away from his other friends would also enable him to focus more on his school work as well.  It didn’t. 

When my father was a boy his family had to move the summer before his last year of high school.  It meant he couldn’t graduate with the friends he’s grown up with and all his new friends from high school.  He told us many times how hard it was for him.

During the teen years our kids will choose friends who we might deem to be undesirable or not a good influence.  The truth is the more we complain about their friends the more they will insist on keeping them.  Being with all kinds of different people is another way of finding out who we are and who we’re most comfortable with.  It’s a process.  If we provide the guidance, support, love and stability they need to thrive, all types of people will come and go throughout their teen years and the majority will survive.  By the time they enter the adult world they will have a clearer sense of the kind of people that are truly aligned with who they are.