The Parenting Coach

There’s a discussion right now on one of the online business networks I participate in about manners.  Someone is interested in some feedback around developing a program that teaches manners to children 10-12 years old. 

I don’t know if something like that would be successful or not.  I depends on a number of factors.  What I do know is that if children are only taught manners in school and there is no reinforcement at home, it’s doubtful what they’ve learned will stick with them.  I might be wrong but it seems to me it’s unlikely a child who is raised in a home where “please” and “thank-you” aren’t the norm, is going to become a polite adult. 

Good manners go a long way.  We tend to excuse a lot if the person we’re dealing with is polite.  Conversely, we tend to have less tolerance for someone’s imperfections when they lack common courtesy.  It’s offensive. 

Like so many other things with parenting if we want our kids to have good manners we have to be polite to them and to everyone else we associate with.  The most powerful way to teach anything is to role model it.  Reminders to say “please” and “thank-you” are good but hearing us regularly say those words is even better. 

Do you ever notice how many children on Halloween say “thank-you” after you’ve added to their candy bag? There have been years when I’ve been appalled at how many take the candy  then turn around and leave without saying a word.  This year I think virtually everyone that came to the door said “thank-you” on their way out.  It was so nice to hear. 

Do you think there should be more emphasis on manners in the regular school curriculum?  How important are manners in the workplace?  How important are manners when it comes to social intelligence? 

I was recently interviewed by Heidi Whitaker, owner of the blog:  “Secrets of a Homeschooling Family Turned Entrepreneurs.”   She interviewed me on the topic of raising confident children.  Here’s the link to the interview.  We’d love your feedback. 

http://www.LearnToHaveItAll.com.

One of the assumptions we make when our children start to grow is that they’ll make friends. Some children make friends very easily and others don’t.  Why is that?  First of all it’s important to understand and accept that some children are much more social than others.  That’s just who they are.  If you’re a gregarious, outgoing person don’t assume your child will be the same or conclude something is wrong if they don’t want to be around other children all the time.  Some children like to have lots of friends and do things in groups while others are happier having one or two close friends.  Some also prefer to do some things alone.

If on the other hand you have a child who is alone most of the time and friendships aren’t forming, we need to take a closer look to find out what they’re putting out.  Children who like themselves usually attract people because they’re likeable.  If they see themselves as a victim, they might find themsevles being picked on.  What we put out is exactly what we get back.  What role do we play in building our children’s confidence and self-worth?  Do we need to work on our own confidence and self-worth in order to give it to our children?   

There are some practical things we can do that to help friendships form. The first thing is to create an environment at home where friends are always welcome.  We can enrol our children in activities that support their strengths and interests and where they’re likely to meet others who share their interests.  We can make friends with parents in the neighborhood who have children the same age as ours and arrange playdates.  Sometimes forming friendships just requires a little nudge from us.

I’m working with a mom right now who is ready to resign from motherhood.  Her 5 year old son won’t do anything he’s told and is constantly getting into trouble. 

I know Mom would like a quick fix from me but I’ve emphasized to her that we need to try and get to the root cause of his behavior.  Children misbehave for a reason.  Very often it’s simply to get our attention.  Sometimes it’s because they want control and power.  There are children who will act out of revenge.  If they’re been hurt they want to hurt back. 

My suggestion to my client was to set up a chart with a few simple tasks that will earn him stickers.  I’m not an advocate of charts for the most part but sometimes I recommend them as a way to shift the focus from negative behavior to positive behavior.  It helps sometimes to put a system in place that forces us to acknowledge the things our kids are doing right.  When we have a child who misbehaves a lot, they start to label themselves as “bad” and act accordingly.  They also know for sure they’ll get noticed if they do something wrong.  We also get into a pattern of waiting for the next misdemeanor.

There are times as well that our kids are simply acting out to test us.  They’re not clear what the boundaries are so they deliberately see how far they can go.  It reminds us that we need to be consistent and be comfortable with saying “no” when we have to.  Some children are very skilled manipulators.  They’re so good at it, we often don’t even realize we’ve been manipulated.  We find ourselves getting hooked when we hear things like:  “You never buy me anything” or ”You never let me go out” or “That’s not fair!” 

Once we’ve discovered the cause of misbehavior and we can attend to the cause, we usually see positive changes.