The Parenting Coach

What is everyone up to this summer? What fun things have you done with your kids? Where have you gone for a vacation? Have you done any interesting summer projects?

Share your ideas with us. My stats say this blog has over 1000 readers a month so I know there are lots of you out there with great ideas and experiences to share. Let’s hear from you.

Do you have a pre-teen or teen that replies:  “I’ll do it later” when you ask her/him to do something?  I contributed to a story in this month’s issue of Today’s Parent Magazine on this very topic.  You might find some helpful tips.

A few days ago I attended a meeting to discuss parent workshop ideas for deaf parents. There are a number of factors that deaf parents deal with that hearing parents don’t. Among all the topics we discussed I realized one thing was missing. I’ve learned throughout my years of coaching privately that we can know all the best ways to discipline and learn how to communicate effectively but if our primary relationship isn’t healthy, our family is going to suffer.

I’ve come to realize that a huge piece in learning how to be a good parent is paying close attention to the relationship you have with the other parent whether you’re married or separated. Children are very sensitive and pick up all the energy in the house even if harsh words aren’t directed at them. They start to feel insecure and fearful. If tension and fighting between parents is the norm, children will go into their own survival mode to feel more comfortable or more safe.

Sometimes when I get a call from a parent who is describing a child who is always out of sorts or lashing out I will often ask if there is any tension in the household. Almost always they will say yes. If that’s the case we want to start focusing on healing our primary relationship and when we do, we notice changes in everyone’s behavior.

As parents we are the managers of the household. We need to be managers who love and respect each other and are in sync most of the time. If we’re not, the whole family suffers; each member in their own way.

Some of our greatest learning comes from the mistakes we make.  Many people will say we learn best through our mistakes.  Why is that we often don’t allow our kids to learn from their mistakes?

Many of us hover over our kids as they do their homework or work on a project or learn a new skill.  We want to make sure they “do it right.”  We can’t stand the thought of them messing up or, heaven forbid, failing. We have a tendency do to a lot of things for them that they can often do themselves albeit more slowly or awkwardly.  After all if we do it for them, it will be done properly. That’s our thinking.

Do you ever allow yourself to stand back and say:  “If I let her/him do this on her own what’s the worst thing that can happen?”  Sometimes the consequences are very minor or at worst inconvenient.  But the learning that comes from doing and making a “mistake” has far more impact than the consequence of doing something wrong.  I put “mistake” in quotes because many people will say there are no mistakes.  How can something be a mistake if we’ve learned for more than if we hadn’t tried at all or just sat back and watched someone else do it?

Common sense tells us that there are of course times during the childrearing years and beyond we have to take a major role.  That’s our job.  We’re responsibility for their health and safety.  I often tell parents though, there are many opportunities we can give our children where they can later say:  “I did it all by myself!” They love to hear us say:  “I’m so proud of you.  You figured that out all by yourself.”

When our kids ask us for help or ask us to do something for them, often we can reply with:  “Why don’t you try and figure it out first?” or “This is what you do first.  After you’ve done that, let me know and I’ll tell you what to do next.”  You can still guide in the process without actually doing things for them.

When very young children are learning to button their clothes, or zip up their zippers or tie their shoes, it’s so easy for us to step in a do it for them because we can do it so much faster. Get used to saying things like:  “I know you can do it.”  Some things might take a nudge or two from us but after that they’re on their way.  They figure things out on their own.

Every time we make a mistake we can say to our kids:  “I forgot to do this or that or I did this or that wrong but I sure learned a lot.”  After we’ve allowed our kids to do something on their own and something didn’t work out it can lead to a discussion of “What do you learn from that?”