Is your child getting on your nerves?

In the last few months there seems to be a common theme with some of my clients. They complain that one of their children is prone to melt-downs, easily aggravated by the smallest thing, acting aggressively towards them and being rude. Most of us have children who have acted this way at one time or another; some much more than others. What is the problem when this is more the norm than the exception?

There is always a reason why children misbehave which I’ve discussed in other blog posts. Something in their life isn’t quite right. Almost always, when I ask for more information, my instinct tells me many of these children are seeking attention. You might be saying “But I’m with her/him all the time.” or “We just went to a movie together.” There is a difference between being physically present and being both physically and emotionally present. Children know when we’re really WITH them. They feel connected. They feel acknowledged and heard.

One sure way to get noticed is to act out. “If I kick my sister, Mom will pay attention to me for sure” is their line of thinking. Or it might be, “If I yell and scream because Dad put my socks on wrong, he’ll really pay attention to me.” The thing is, it works every time and the more we respond to it, the more of the same we get. Soon the acting out child gets labelled “a problem” and will live up to the label. We expect it and often start to anticipate the next incident.

Something has to change to break the cycle. Often misbehavior can be from something as simple as hunger of fatigue. That’s easy to explain. But when it’s for attention and when you sit back and start reviewing the week or the month it all starts to become clear. Children need and want to be noticed in a positive way. They want to feel they’re heard and that they’re special. They want to have you all to themselves sometimes and not have to share your attention with a sibling.

I’ve often suggested to parents who present these kinds or problems, to plan a regular outing with each child. I might suggest as well to spend an extra 5 minutes with each child at bedtime, going over the day. You can say things like: “What was the best part of today?” or “Did anything good happen today? Did anything bad happen today?”

Almost always, parents will tell me their “problem” child is no problem at school or daycare and when they’re alone with them things are great. There is no conflict at all. That information is useful. When is your child at his/her best? What is happening and who are they with? The more we understand the problem, the better chance we have of addressing it and significantly decreasing the bad behavior.