The Parenting Coach

I’d love you to join me on Thursday, November 8th at 7pm EST for an information packed class to help you manage your anger.  We’ll be talking about the root causes of anger, how you can address those causes and some effective strategies to control your anger when it gets the best of you.

To register for the class, click here.  It will take you to my homepage which will direct you to the registration page. 

Anger is something we all experience from time to time.  It’s a normal human emotion.  When it starts to destroy our important relationships though, we know it’s time to look at it more closely and find ways to control it.

Today I gave a talk on “Parenting Your Hard of Hearing Child” for a group of parents here in British Columbia.  We began by brainstorming special considerations when raising a child who is deaf or hard of hearing.  We talked about how much they miss by not hearing the sounds around them.  We can easily forget that they didn’t hear when we asked them to do something or not to do something.  Even though a child wears a hearing aid and has speech they still miss out on a lot. 

The majority of my talk was aimed at all children whether or not they have a disability.  Children with disabilities are more the same as other children than different.  They have a need to be recognized, valued, to have some power and control and to feel safe.  Like any other child we need to be consistent with our parenting and say what we mean and mean what we say.  We need to pay attention to their strengths and abilities and focus on those rather than on their weaknesses or their disabilities.  We need to feel comfortable saying NO and not over indulge because we feel guilty or pity for their disability.

There is a tendancy to rescue and do things for children with disabilities that they can learn to do themselves.  All children love to be able to say:  “I can do that all by myself.” 

Parenting a child with a disability has added challenges for sure but first and foremost your disabled child is a child first. 

Last night I was scheduled to give a workshop to parents of twins on sibling rivalry - or so I thought. I stood infront of the audience and began my talk. About 2 minutes into it, the woman who organized it with me said: “Barb, aren’t we doing “Anger Management”? I had written the WRONG TOPIC in my calendar! At that moment I had to quickly put together an outline in my head! I then just had to make it up as I went along. Thanks God it went well and there was a lot of interaction. Thank God also, I have a sense of humor and didn’t allow myself to get flustered.

Also, I promised I would bring my own chart paper so went out yesterday to Staples and bought a big pad of “Post It” chart paper which I forgot! They had to fashion something for me quickly so I had something to write on.

I’ve been giving workshops for nearly 20 years and this has never happened but I was proud of myself for being able to quickly recover and deliver it off the top of my head.

If nothing else, it makes a good story. It taught me to ALWAYS confirm the date, my fee, the location, the time and THE TOPIC!!

Last night I was wiping down the kitchen counter and came across bits and pieces of things that belonged to the kids.  I decided to put everything into one little pile.  I rested a note on it that read:  “Claire and Marc ~ Can you please put these things away?  Love, Mom”

At the time I put my little pile together both the kids were out but came home together shortly after.  Within 15 minutes everything was dealt with.  It was painless.  I didn’t have to nag or lecture or yell. 

I remember when I was leading the course “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, one of the many ways they suggested to get our kids to do what we ask is to write a note.  It’s not something I remember to do very often but I was reminded last night how effective it is. 

When my kids do something in a timely and/or efficient manner I like to acknowledge them.  They were so quick to respond to my request I felt they deserved to be acknowledged with a simple “Thank you for putting your things away so quickly.” 

I’m working with a mom right now whose 3 year old has decided he doesn’t want to nap anymore.  He will sometimes sleep for up to 2 hours in the afternoon but other days he doesn’t sleep at all and just wants to play.

Those of us who have raised children have been there.  The transition from napping everyday to no naps can be stressful.  It can happen as early as 18 months or as late as 3 1/2.  Every child is different and they all have their own rhythm.  It might be that your first born napped every afternoon until they were close to 3 but your second stopped napping before their second birthday. 

It’s my belief that even though a preschooler is no longer napping, they need some down time in the afternoon.  They are less likely to have a melt-down late in the afternoon or fall asleep at 5pm rather than 7:30 or 8. We can just call it “quiet time” rather than “nap time.”  It’s a time when you might want to offer a movie while they lay on the couch or curl up in a big chair.  They might want to look at books or do some quiet puzzles.  When my children were small I used it as a time to wind down as well and would often lay on the couch to help set the tone.  It only needs to be an hour and you can even set a timer and let them know when the timer goes off quiet time is over.  Children love routine and to know what comes next.  If you get used to labeling the time after lunch “quiet time” they’ll soon pick up the term and learn that it’s a time to do quiet things in the house. 

Sometimes it’s better for a child to be in his/her room during quiet time so there are fewer distractions.  They don’t have to be in their bed but they can be quietly playing with something.

There are many transitions during childhood which means they are transitions for us as well.  We have to accept that one stage has come to a conclusion and now we’re onto something new.  I’ll often hear parents say “I don’t know what happened to my little girl” or “This is behavior I’ve never seen before.”  For us it means responding to what is rather than what was or what we wish for.  It can take a little bit of time to adjust and we can be gentle with ourselves as we move into a new phase.  There will be a period of trial and error.  That’s OK. 

On October 16th, I’d love you to tune in to the Parenting With Intention Radio Hour where I will be Rob Stringer’s guest from 9pm-10pm EDT.  I’ll be talking about self-esteem and parenting.  This is a call-in show so bring your questions. 

When it comes to extended family we see a whole variety of scenarios.  Some families have grandparents living in the home with them.  Some families have a very large extended family living close by who they spend a lot of time with.  Other families have grandparents that live in other towns and cities but they’re able to get together regularly and we also have families who have very little or no contact with their extended family.  Some children develop a very close relationship with their aunts, uncles and cousins and others barely know them. 

Children who grow up with a loving and close relationship with their extended family are blessed, in my opinion.  I didn’t know my grandparents growing up and always envied my friends who were close to theirs.  Next to the immediate family, the people who love our children the most, are our extended family.  They care about all the milestones, the small and big accomplishments, the incidental events of daily life,  and they are the people who are there when we have a challenge.  The more people who love and care for our children, the more secure they feel.  There is no such thing as being loved by too many people. 

This week I’m presenting a workshop on parenting and the extended family.  The first thing I want to talk about is what extended family gives.  What do they bring to our family unit?  What do children gain by having a close relationship with their relatives?  What are they missing if they don’t have a relationship with their extended family?  We’re going to discuss difficulties we encounter and how we can overcome those difficulties.  We’ll discuss communication strategies.  For instance if your mother has a parenting style that you oppose, how do you communicate that in a way that doesn’t destroy your relationship?  We’ll also talk about what’s worth arguing about and what isn’t. 

There are times when relationships with extended family are toxic.  When is it in everyone’s best interest to terminate those relationships?  Sometimes it’s the only answer.  For the most part though, children only benefit from having a close and loving relationship with their extended family.  They enrich their whole childhood experience.  Memories are created that stay with them a lifetime.