The Parenting Coach

Last week I was interviewed by a writer for Today’s Parent magazine on how to deal with kids who want to talk all the time.  If we don’t have a child who likes to talk a lot we probably know or have known one. 

Every child is born with their own personality.  Some are extroverts and some are introverts and others are a little of both.  I recently took a class on personality types and learned that people who are extroverts like to think outloud.  They process things verbally rather than internally.  It may be you have a child who is a natural extrovert.  That’s just who they are.

Incessant talking can also be a way to get attention.  If children feel they’re not being noticed they’ll find a way to get noticed.  Non-stop talking is a way to say:  “Look at me.  Listen to me!”  If that’s the case, it’s a signal to us to notice our children more and acknowledge them when they’re not demanding our attention.

What we DON’T want to say are things like:

• “You talk to much!”
• “We’ve heard enough out of you”
• “Can’t you be quiet for a change?”

Children who hear those messages over and over will feel inhibited later in life to share their thoughts and ideas.  Negative messages can have a far greater impact on our sense of worth than positive messages.  I read somewhere that it takes 16 positive comments to erase 1 negative comment.

How do you deal with a child who talks all the time?  You can say things like: 

• “I know you have something to share but it’s Meagan’s turn right now.”
• “Sometimes I just need quiet and right now is one of those times.”
• “As soon as I’m finished what I’m doing, I’d love to hear what you have to say.”

Children who talk all the time can often monopolize.  Other people feel they can’t get a word in and they feel controlled by the talker.  Monopolizers aren’t very popular.  Part of our job as a parent is to teach socially acceptable behavior. You might want to get into a dialogue with your chatty child around how they think it might feel for someone who has something really exciting or special to share but they don’t get a chance because someone else is always talking. 

It used to be that children were to be seen and not heard.  We all know that there has been a dramatic shift in the way we view children and that’s a good thing.  Children do deserve to be heard but they don’t have a right to demand our attention all the time or take over a conversation. 

Have you ever questioned your parenting? Have you read a parenting book and then said: “I’m doing it all wrong! Oh no! I’m probably ruining my child for life!” In the eighteen years I’ve worked with parents I’ve concluded there are many “right” ways. What’s right for me isn’t necessarily right for you and what’s right for your neighbor may not be aligned with your values at all. The truth is, there’s a lot of “right” ways.
My guess is that the majority of you reading this aim to live in a home that is peaceful and harmonious. You want everyone to get along, act responsibly, enjoy each other’s company and be honest and loyal towards each other. You want love and respect too, I’m sure. If you’ve accomplished all of that, then whatever you’re doing is right. Ten different families who have all achieved harmony might parent in ten different ways but whatever they’re doing is working because the end result is positive.
If, on the other hand your home is chaotic, tense and hostile, something isn’t working. It’s a sure signal that something has to change if you want to create harmony and peace. What has to change? It could be that the parents need to re-evaluate their relationship and work towards greater unity. It may be that your job is unsatisfying and you need to re-assess if you’re really in the right place. If we’re unsatisfied at work, we often take out our frustrations on our family. Maybe it’s that the kids are over-scheduled and there isn’t enough time to breathe and just enjoy hanging out. Maybe it’s that you’re focusing too much on what you don’t like and producing more of the same, rather than being grateful for what you have. Maybe you’re a stay-at-home mom and you long to go back to work but feel guilty even thinking about it. If we’re feeling resentment around being home we transfer that feeling onto our families. Maybe you have a tense relationship with one of your parents and take out your feelings on your kids.
Do you live in a household where you feel used and taken advantage of? If you do, you’re likely to carry resentment around and lash out. Do you know that people only take advantage of us if we let them? Did you know that our kids will test their limits all the time if we haven’t made it clear what they are? Did you know that people won’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself?
I’ve learned through the years that there simply isn’t a one-size-fits all solution to parenting. We’re all different. What one family needs to do to create harmony may be completely different from what another family needs to do. Many families have learned all the “right” discipline tools but something still isn’t working. There is still tension and animosity. I’ve learned that we always have to look at the big picture and sometimes the solution is very simple. Positive results may not happen overnight but once we’ve discovered what the core issues are things start to turn around.

 I just came across this article supporting the notion that kids need to be kids.  Babies are infact not given a greater advantage by introducing them to math concepts before they can talk.  I love what the author says.