The Parenting Coach

Since my son entered elementary school 14 years ago, my instincts led me to believe the school system was not “boy friendly”.  I knew I had a normal, active, healthy boy but one that wasn’t able sit still in school and learn through the traditional methods.  In kindergarten there was a lot of emphasis on learning to read and recognize numbers.  This was radically different from when I went to kindergarten.  Marc had absolutely no interest in learning to read when he was 5. I knew though as he went through the school stystem, that we had a bright boy with skills that would emerge and shine after he left school.  That is proving to be the case now that he’s out in the work world. 

I was recently introduced to the work of Leonard Sax, MD, Ph.D, who has written the book BOYS ADRIFT where he indentifies the 5 factors he believes contributes to boys being unmotivated in school.  For one thing he says the brains of boys and girls develop differently and by age 5, a boy’s brain is equivalent to the brain of a 3 1/2 year old girl.  In his opinion boys are more ready for kindergarten at age 6 and it would be to their advantage to be given an extra year to focus on their play.  He says education has become “a race.”  Do you have a son who is unmotivated or is an under-achieving young adult?  I think you’ll find Leonard Sax’s work very interesting.    

I came across this excellent article this morning explaining temperament.  If you’ve often wondered why your child acts the way they do, or responds to social situations very differently than you do, you might find this interesting to read. 

Yesterday, I was chatting with my neighbor and we got on to the topic of “helicopter parenting”.  It began with a conversation around how few children in the complex are free to play outside unsupervised.  She has an 8 & 10 year old and is often questioned by other parents around her willingness to let her girls play outside unsupervised or go to a friend’s house on their own.  We live in a large townhouse development where there is a playground and a lot of green space for children to play.  She said the main things parents fear are cars, bullying and kidnapping. 

My neighbor works at a univeristy and told me for new students there is now a separate  orientation for parents.  This is because so many parents want to know what courses their children are taking, who will be instructing, details around their timetables and so on.  They also want to know who will be in their classes. She described what she sees as “over-managing” and wanted to know if I was familiar with the term “helicoper parents”.  Yes, I am. 

Thank goodness we are no longer following the “children are to be seen and not heard” philosophy but I wonder if we’ve gone too far the other way.  What are we teaching when we choose to be involved in all aspects of our children’s lives even after they leave high school?  How do they learn to think and live independantly?  How do they gain confidence in their ability to make good choices? 

I have a client who is struggling with allowing her 13 year old to ride the bus to school one day a week.  She’s fine with it but doesn’t feel supported by the parents around her.  I assured her that it was completely appropriate to give her this level of independence at 13 and to let her daughter know that she knew she could handle it.  Both my children rode the bus to and from high school.  I couldn’t come up any logical reason for me to drive them back and forth.  They preferred anyway to ride the bus with their friends. 

I’m curious how and when this trend began.