14 Jan
2008
Yesterday, I was chatting with my neighbor and we got on to the topic of “helicopter parenting”. It began with a conversation around how few children in the complex are free to play outside unsupervised. She has an 8 & 10 year old and is often questioned by other parents around her willingness to let her girls play outside unsupervised or go to a friend’s house on their own. We live in a large townhouse development where there is a playground and a lot of green space for children to play. She said the main things parents fear are cars, bullying and kidnapping.
My neighbor works at a univeristy and told me for new students there is now a separate orientation for parents. This is because so many parents want to know what courses their children are taking, who will be instructing, details around their timetables and so on. They also want to know who will be in their classes. She described what she sees as “over-managing” and wanted to know if I was familiar with the term “helicoper parents”. Yes, I am.
Thank goodness we are no longer following the “children are to be seen and not heard” philosophy but I wonder if we’ve gone too far the other way. What are we teaching when we choose to be involved in all aspects of our children’s lives even after they leave high school? How do they learn to think and live independantly? How do they gain confidence in their ability to make good choices?
I have a client who is struggling with allowing her 13 year old to ride the bus to school one day a week. She’s fine with it but doesn’t feel supported by the parents around her. I assured her that it was completely appropriate to give her this level of independence at 13 and to let her daughter know that she knew she could handle it. Both my children rode the bus to and from high school. I couldn’t come up any logical reason for me to drive them back and forth. They preferred anyway to ride the bus with their friends.
I’m curious how and when this trend began.
Connie Hammer
15 Jan 2008
I do not have a definite answer as to why this trend began to occur but in my coaching work with many parents I do agree it seems to be increasing. I believe helicopter parenting stems from fear, and a feeling that we no longer have much control of what happens in our post-911 culture. Yes, terrible things have been happening in our world recently but we need to remember that unfortunately they always have and always will. The most important gifts we can give our children, and ourselves for that matter, are the tools they need to take care of themselves. Teaching our children to protect themselves and be self-sufficient builds confidence, and confident people are less vulnerable to being taken advantage of. As parents we all want to quarantee that only good things will happen to our children but the only control we have over that is to prepare them well for going out into the real world, one that is constantly changing. Giving them ongoing guided practice to manage their lives and resolve problems on their own is great preventive medicine for the time when they all have to go it alone.