The Parenting Coach

When our kids become teenagers, everyone goes through a transition.  We have to come to terms with the fact that our parenting role is changing and our kids are trying to make their way through the maze of peer pressure, media influences and more demanding school work.  This time can be fraught with conflict if we don’t take time to understand and accept these changing times.  Here are five steps to help you get through these years without losing your hair or your mind.

1. Accept that the behavior you see now will not last forever.

Teenagers often become rude and disrespectful and develop a “know-it-all” attitude.  It’s easy to feel you’ve lost your easy-going, loving child.  As difficult as it is to see your “nice little girl” suddenly start to talk back and want to wear provocative clothes, this is only a phase.  It doesn’t mean she has to get her way but take comfort in knowing that this stage will not last and as the teen years draw to a close you’ll get your child back.

2. Understand the number one need for teens is the need to belong.

When your child becomes a teen they will suddenly start asking for all the latest gadgets and be part of all the latest clothing fads.  This is absolutely natural.  The most important thing for them at this stage of their life is to feel they belong.  They want to look and be like everyone else.  If your child has asked to wear a certain style of blue jean but you’re trying to convince them that “x” brand is just as good, they won’t buy it.  It’s not what everyone else is wearing.  If what they’re asking for is beyond your budget, it’s an opportunity to negotiate a cost sharing arrangement.  You can say something like:  If you want those jeans, I’d be willing to pay $50 towards them and you can make up the rest.”

3. Don’t fall for the line:  “I’m the only who……” 

Teens will try and convince you that you’re a mean and unreasonable parent because you’re asking them to be home at a certain time or that you insist on calling to make sure where they’re going has parent supervision.  Trust and know that you’re doing the right thing.  They’ll thank you for it when they grow out of their teens. 

4. Don’t assume because they’re teens, they no longer need you.

Teenagers will act as though they don’t care if you’re home or not.  The truth is, they do want to know they we care about them and are interested in what’s going on in their lives.  You don’t want to be intrusive but you do want to be emotionally available at all times.  Show an interest in what interests them.  

5. Allow your teen to learn important life lessons

We are living in a time of “helicopter parenting”.  There is a tendency for parents to over-manage and rescue when their teens fall behind in school, have conflicts with peers or start to think about their future careers.  The very best life lessons are learned when we make “mistakes”.  Ask yourself if you step back and let your teen figure things how for herself, what is the worst that could happen.  The majority of situations are not life threatening.  They need to know we have confidence in them to find their own solutions and work things out on their own.  Allow yourself to be a guide but not an enabler.   

Yesterday I was interviewed by John Downs of Am Radio 640 in Toronto, on the subject of babies and toddlers in restaurants.  He referred me to a story he’d read in the New York Times about mothers in bars and pubs with their babies.  He told me he had been out for dinner the evening before and was sitting next to a family with a toddler and a baby.  He said the baby cried for 20 minutes.  He acknowledged that parents have a right to go out but he didn’t want to be listening to a fussy toddler and a baby crying while he was trying to enjoy his meal.  “Am I just being a jerk?  Is it selfish of me to not want to be around babies when I’m eating out?” he asked me. 

For the most part toddlers and babies don’t do well in restaurants.  Some will sit nicely and are very easy to bring anywhere but most are easily agitated and want to do things toddlers and babies do.  They’re simply acting their age.  They’re not being overly demanding or badly behaved.  My answer was: “No, you’re not being selfish when you say you want to eat without listening to a baby cry.”  It’s not fair on the restaurant owners, the people eating, the parents or the babies.  Also, many people go out to a nice restaurant to enjoy a quiet evening with adults.

My son was a very active toddler.   That is putting is mildly.  He would run under the tables and climb on the table and want to run around.  It didn’t matter how many things we brought to occupy him. We quickly concluded that dining out with him unless it was a family oriented restaurant was not a good idea.  It was too hard on everyone.  It was easier on all of us just to accept that.  People will often ask me “Well how are they ever going to learn?”  They will learn when they’re ready.  This is not the time to teach restaurant etiquette or patience. 

I love to tell parents that my son soon learned to behave in restaurants and going out with him was a pleasure.  I knew he would grow out of it.  He’s 18 now and even works in a restaurant. 

 My husband was working out of town on Valentine’s Day so I decided to make a date with the other man in my life; my son.  Here we are eating out together.  This is the same boy who would not sit still for two minutes in a restaurant. 

Jeffrey Rothman is a father to two young boys with a third son arriving this month. He contacted me a few months ago to discuss the field of parent coaching. He spoke of the ease of being a father. He said there were many other things in his life that have been challenging but this wasn’t one of them. I thought it would be interesting to hear his perspective on raising children.