Jeffrey Rothman is a father to two young boys with a third son arriving this month. He contacted me a few months ago to discuss the field of parent coaching. He spoke of the ease of being a father. He said there were many other things in his life that have been challenging but this wasn’t one of them. I thought it would be interesting to hear his perspective on raising children.
Now that you’ve been a father for a few years, do you find you’re similar to your own father was or quite different?
I would say quite different. When I look at myself and the other dads I see today, I see a different level of involvement by dads in general. When I was growing up, I remember all of the dads being at work and self focused and the moms being more child focused. I see myself as a full partner in the parenting of my kids, as my wife Laurie is a full partner in making a living for us. I think that it is better this way, as dads organically have something different to offer than moms do. I really believe that it is in our genes.
What sort of expectations did you have of being a father prior to becoming one?
I think other than the fear of the unknown, and of taking on such a large responsibility, that I expected it to be as it is. A lot of playing with the kids on the floor, a lot of saying “I love you”, a lot of answering questions and some discipline as needed. What I didn’t expect was that babies from such a young age would be so cognizant of what’s going on and I think that I underestimated just how much they learn and how soon. I did catch on pretty fast though. Laurie and I started talking to Noam, our first son in a pretty sophisticated manner from a very young age. He soaked it up and the whole process became pretty cyclical, with us continuing to challenge him with more sophisticated input. So I guess that I am a bit impressed with what is possible to develop in your child with patience and attention.
Often in families one parent is the stronger disciplinarian. Do you have that role, or does your wife?
I am definitely the disciplinarian between the two of us, and that is one of the areas, that I believe is largely organic as the dad’s role and not just cultural. With that said, I don’t love the role and I sometimes get on Laurie’s case about “forcing” me to be the bad guy. As much as I say that we are equal partners, to paraphrase George Orwell, “some partners are more equal than others”. Laurie is the overall senior partner and I am the senior disciplinarian (though I am happy to cede as much of that role as I can).
In general, how do you think dads see things differently than moms when it comes to raising children?
Generally, moms want to protect their children while dads want their children to be able to protect themselves. Since I have boys I notice that Laurie soothes them when they cry or show weakness, but my instinct as a dad is to guide them away from showing too much weakness, as I remember as a boy how any apparent vulnerability can invite teasing and such.
So far what has been the best part of being a father?
I am a big sap on the subject, I really think that the whole thing is great.
What do you find the most challenging so far?
I have been trying to walk a fine line between sufficiently challenging my boys so that they grow and develop socially, intellectually and physically, but sometimes, I realize that what I need to do is rein them in from over challenging themselves. So I would say that knowing when to do that which is on my mind a lot.
How do you think your children would describe you?
Depends on the child. Noam (age 6) says: “you’re the best dada in the world.” Tal (Age 3) says: “I don’t want you, I want Mommy.”
How do you think the role of fathers has changed over the last 30 years?
As I said, more partnership, more ownership of the role, much more emotional openness.
What else would you like to add about being a father in the 21st Century? Unlike the very pessimistic news we often hear about the state of the Family and our culture, I think this is an unprecedented good time to play the role of dad in our society. The role has been enhanced in it’s accepted scope, there are more activities available than ever to do with your kids, there is more help in the form of books and social services, and most importantly, there is a larger overall group of other dads out there doing the role with all of their heart.
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