Archive for the 'Blog' Category

Kids and Social Networking

Sunday, March 30th, 2008

I just came across this blog post about the social network “MySpace”.  Writer Janet Kornblum from USA Today discusses Larry Rosen’s book:  “Me, MySpace and I: Parenting and the Net Generation”.  I like his approach a lot. 

I happen to be a parent who believes there are many more positives to social networking,  than negatives.  There is a lot of bad press about kids meeting predators online which leads many people to conclude there are large numbers of teens and preteens  interacting with dangerous people.  Rosen’s book offers a perspective that can alleviate a lot of anxiety around sites like “MySpace” and “FaceBook.” 

 

 

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Kids and Routines - Are They Necessary?

Monday, March 17th, 2008

If you’re a parent, it’s likely you have some kind of routine going for yourself and your kids; or maybe you don’t. Are you the type of person who prefers spontaneity? Do you find it tiresome to be tied to a routine? Have you heard or read that having a routine is important for kids? It is my opinion that children thrive on routine.Most of us do better with some kind of structure in our lives. We like predictability. It gives us a sense of security. Children are no different. They like to know that when they wake up they can predict breakfast will be offered, then some sort of activity, then lunch and if they’re very young, a nap or a quiet time. They love it when they know what comes next. Every night after dinner is bath, a snack, stories, teeth then lights out. It might look something like that.

I’ve worked with parents who admit to me that they really don’t have a routine. Breakfast might be anywhere from 7am – 10am or lunch is whenever they feel like it and dinner is much the same. In between that time the TV is usually on and it’s just free play.

If your children are in any kind of childcare facility or preschool you’ll notice that “free play” is an important part of the day but it always takes place at a specific time. There is always a routine. The kids know that after free-play they have circle time and then they all wash their hands and that is followed by snack. They all know exactly what to expect. The program is designed that way because the teachers and childcare providers know that children thrive on routine.

Establishing a routine if you don’t already have one isn’t necessarily going to solve all your problems if you have problems, but it is one step that contributes significantly to a child’s sense of security. If you’re a parent who has never been used to routines, it can be difficult to make the adjustment if it isn’t your natural way of being. You’ll find though that both you and your children will benefit greatly when everyone can predict more or less what the day is going to look like. It doesn’t mean you can no longer be spontaneous or never step out of the box. It just means you have a general guide to follow to give you some structure to your day.

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A Parenting Tip You Seldom Hear About

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

Is knowing how to discipline effectively the only way to bring about a peaceful home? Yes, it’s one way but it’s not everything. There are many things we need to take into consideration if things aren’t going well at home.I’ve worked with many, many parents privately. They normally come to me with a specific challenge they’re having with their parenting. It could be that their children are fighting all the time, or their toddler is having tantrums every day, or their teen is disrespectful or their kids simply “never listen.” Sometimes I hear that their child is “angry” all the time.

One tool I use as a coach that I’ve found particularly helpful is to look at a child’s day from a bird’s eye view. I ask for an account of a typical day from when their child first gets up in the morning until the time he/she goes to bed at night. It’s often easy to see where there are gaps or an excess of something or too little of something else.

Parents who are home all day with young children can easily experience burn-out. There is a constant demand on them emotionally and physically. When that happens our patience is tested and we often become short tempered. We think the problem is our children and they just “don’t listen.” One of the first things I look at is how much time the parent spends with other adults, or doing things on their own, out of the house without their children. Very often I discover the time they spend away from their children is minimal.

When we make an effort to recharge; whatever that means to you, we have a lot more patience and can tolerate things we can’t tolerate when we’re constantly pulled in multiple directions. We find things that made our tempers flare will often go unnoticed when we’ve had a night out with friends or with our partner or spent an hour at the gym or whatever it is that make us feel refreshed and recharged.

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Get Your Kids To Cooperate Using This One Simple Phrase

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

In the early seventies, I was training to become an early childhood educator. My training included practicums in different preschool settings. I was very fortunate in having an excellent sponsor teacher on one of my practicums whose wisdom has stayed with me since.I remember one day all the kids were going out to play and it was a wet, rainy day. The teacher asked that they all put their boots on. I was in charge of a small group and one of the little girls in my group refused to put on her boots. “Please put your boots on”, I said to her. She ignored me. “Nicki, it’s time to put your boots on”, I repeated. She ignored me again. Just then the teacher walked by and I told her I wasn’t able to get little Nicki to put her boots on. “Nicki, as soon as you’ve got your boots on I’ll know you’re ready to play outside” she said. In no time flat the boots were on and off she went to play outside. I was amazed that the same request I was making, worded differently, got immediate results. I’ve never forgotten the effectiveness of that short, simple phrase.

Why did the teacher’s approach work and mind didn’t? Children like the rest of us, want to feel empowered. If we ask them to do something, they’ll either refuse or procrastinate and dawdle. They’re simply exercising power and control. This simple way of wording a request, gives them some power yet the request is still the same. You are giving them the opportunity of telling you when they’re ready to do something. That’s the way they interpret it. It’s not perceived as a command. Very few of us respond kindly to a command.

I taught preschool for several years and later had my own children. Virtually every day as my children were growing up I was able to use this very simple way of gaining their co-operation. If they wanted to watch a movie, or play outside, or have a snack I would often say: “As soon as you’ve brushed your teeth, I’ll know you’re reading for your story” or “As soon as you’ve hung your coat up and put your shoes away, I’ll know you’re ready for your snack” or “As soon as you’ve picked up your lego, I’ll know you’re ready to watch your movie.”

Another variation of the same phrase is when your child asks for something or to do something you can say: “Sure, as soon as you’ve finished your homework” or “Sure, as soon as the dishwasher is emptied”. They might say: “Can I have a cookie?” You can reply: “Sure you can have a cookie; as soon as you’ve fed the cat.” You get the idea.

In the 20 years that I’ve worked as a parent educator I’ve shared this very simple, effective phrase with literally hundreds of parents. Many have come back to me with comments such as: “It works like magic” or “I was skeptical but it really works” or “I can’t believe how easy it is.” What is so nice is that it’s appropriate to use with every age group, as long as they have language. Give it a try.

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Help Me! Bedtime with my 3 year old is a nightmare

Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

Yesterday I coached a mom around issues she’s having with her 3 year old.  She has a tantrum every night at bedtime and the routine takes close to an hour and a half she said.  Her tantrum is around her insistence that Mommy stay with her and not Daddy. 

Children misbehave for a reason. It can be any number of things.  I always like to figure out what the cause of the behavior is rather than just trying to manage it.  Often if we can figure out the cause and address that, we see a significant improvement.

As I do with all parents of young children, I asked Mom what her daughter’s day looked like from the minute she wakes up in the morning until she goes to bed at night.  In this case what I observed is a lot of time with other people besides Mom and Dad.  She is in pre-school part time and then cared for a lot by her grandparents.  Granted she is getting quality care, but except for weekends there isn’t a lot of time with Mom who is involved in other time consuming commitments.

Our kids need to know there are times in the day when nothing else matters but them. They want our undivided attention and to hear through our words and body language that nothing else matters just for these few minutes.  It’s not a tall request.  We get so caught up in all the demands of the day we often don’t take the time to really connect in a warm and loving way.

My suggestion to my client was to take 15 minutes out of the day to spend with her 3 year old just being with her.  I told her it can be something as simple as cuddling on the couch watching “Dora” together.  I also suggested she spend the time with her at bedtime and try hard not to be pre-occupied with what she has to do next.  My hunch is that her tantrum is just a way of saying “I never get to be with you Mommy.  Please spend this time with me.”  It doesn’t mean she has to be indulged to the point where the bedtime routine drags on more than is reasonable.  Once Mom is confident she has spent some special one on one time with her, she can say good-night.  There is no need to give in to any more demands. 

In this case had I not looked at the big picture my suggestion would probably have been to not give in to the tantrum.  If we give in to tantrums, we usually get more of them.  I wanted to first see if adjustments to the daily routine would prevent the tantrum from occuring in the first place. 

 

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