Help Me! Bedtime with my 3 year old is a nightmare

Yesterday I coached a mom around issues she’s having with her 3 year old.  She has a tantrum every night at bedtime and the routine takes close to an hour and a half she said.  Her tantrum is around her insistence that Mommy stay with her and not Daddy. 

Children misbehave for a reason. It can be any number of things.  I always like to figure out what the cause of the behavior is rather than just trying to manage it.  Often if we can figure out the cause and address that, we see a significant improvement.

As I do with all parents of young children, I asked Mom what her daughter’s day looked like from the minute she wakes up in the morning until she goes to bed at night.  In this case what I observed is a lot of time with other people besides Mom and Dad.  She is in pre-school part time and then cared for a lot by her grandparents.  Granted she is getting quality care, but except for weekends there isn’t a lot of time with Mom who is involved in other time consuming commitments.

Our kids need to know there are times in the day when nothing else matters but them. They want our undivided attention and to hear through our words and body language that nothing else matters just for these few minutes.  It’s not a tall request.  We get so caught up in all the demands of the day we often don’t take the time to really connect in a warm and loving way.

My suggestion to my client was to take 15 minutes out of the day to spend with her 3 year old just being with her.  I told her it can be something as simple as cuddling on the couch watching “Dora” together.  I also suggested she spend the time with her at bedtime and try hard not to be pre-occupied with what she has to do next.  My hunch is that her tantrum is just a way of saying “I never get to be with you Mommy.  Please spend this time with me.”  It doesn’t mean she has to be indulged to the point where the bedtime routine drags on more than is reasonable.  Once Mom is confident she has spent some special one on one time with her, she can say good-night.  There is no need to give in to any more demands. 

In this case had I not looked at the big picture my suggestion would probably have been to not give in to the tantrum.  If we give in to tantrums, we usually get more of them.  I wanted to first see if adjustments to the daily routine would prevent the tantrum from occuring in the first place.