Making mistakes is part of being human and in fact it’s through our mistakes that we learn the most. We know what not to do next time. We can do things again from a different perspective. We celebrate how we’ve grown through all our ups and downs.
With most things, there’s always an opportunity to try again. Parenting is different. We can’t go back. If we made a big mistake, someone else pays for that, sometimes for the rest of their life.
I work with parents helping them to achieve desirable results with child rearing. I help them to believe in themselves and also to not berate themselves if they’ve said or done something they’re not proud of. It might be that they’ve yelled a lot and didn’t want to be yelling at all. It might be that they were too lenient when they knew they should have been firm. It may be that they gave in after saying no many times. It might be that they argued in front of their partner and knew it was the wrong thing to do. We’ve all been there. None of us are perfect and the next day always offers a brand new opportunity to make amends. Also, children are very forgiving, especially if we apologize.
There’s one thing that some parents do that is very hard to un-do. That is they set their own goals for their children. They decide they want their son or daughter to be a professional or take over the family business or be a star athlete. They want them to excel in whatever it is they set out to do and anything less is unacceptable. Have you ever known a frustrated, discontented adult who is doing what their father or mother wanted them to do? They have a passion for something else but it wasn’t valued or encouraged so they didn’t pursue it. What it really says to a child who is trying to meet the expectations of their parents who have set the agenda is: “I don’t accept you for who you are. My love for you depends on you achieving what I want for you.” How does that contribute to a child’s sense of self-worth?
I worked with a mom once who was generally unhappy and really couldn’t put her finger on why. She had a nice home, two beautiful, healthy children, a good husband and a well-paying job. Still, something wasn’t right. As we got further into our coaching sessions, she disclosed to me that her father had told her that unless you go into the sciences at university, nothing else counted. This message was driven into her. She did what was expected and was working at a job that required a background in science. She was completely indifferent towards it. Everyone in the family was paying the price for her unhappiness and frustration. She was living to please her father. I know for certain her story is not unique.
