1 Oct
2008
I was speaking to a group of about 35 parents last night. My topic was “Discipline Vs. Punishment”. It’s a talk I’m frequently asked to present and one I love to do.
Many of us grew up with the notion that children need punishment and if they aren’t punished they’re not disciplined. Punishment as I describe it refers to spanking, withholding a privilege for an unreasonable length of time, or any sort of adverse response to a behavior that will often leave a child feeling frightened, confused and diminished. There is usually no connection between the punishment and the behavior. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline and is meant to teach the natural and logical consequences of our actions. Children who grow to be fearful of their parents, don’t thrive.
During my talk I offered a number of different discipline strategies that don’t include spanking, yelling or nagging. They keep both the child’s and the parent’s dignity intact. I also spent some time talking about why children misbehave in the first place. More and more when parents approach me with a parenting challenge, we find when we focus on the cause of the problem the challenging behavior all but disappears.
One of the main reasons children act out and don’t comply is because they’re simply seeking our attention. They have found a way to be noticed; to engage us. Even if it’s negative, it’s better than nothing. I will often ask simple questions such as: “How much time do you spend with your child in the evening before she/he goes to sleep?” “How much time do you spend just being together enjoying each other’s company, during the day?” Very often they realize that very little time is spent just connecting. Taking an extra 10 minutes at bedtime, or before dinner can meet a child’s very basic need to be noticed and can often eliminate their need to act out to get our attention.
Karen Putz
6 Oct 2008
This post really resonates with me. I have a friend who often punishes her child by taking away the phone and the computer for long periods of time but the child does not seem to improve on the behaviors she’s being punished for. Do you have your discipline strategies in a post online that I could share with her?
kayla
7 Oct 2008
I agree with you very much. What a great post I will be back again for sure thank you so much.
Christina
8 Oct 2008
This is an area where my husband and I need are struggling. Increasing punishments don’t work and we are in a rut and need some fresh ideas to help us out.
Barbara Desmarais
13 Nov 2008
Christina, I hope you’ve been able to find more useful information on the site. You’re right, increasing punishments don’t work. We really need to figure out the source of the problem.
Sandra R
9 Sep 2009
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.
Tatyanna
15 Nov 2009
I read this, and I agree completely. Unlike most of the posts here, I’m actually a child (evidently sixteen years of age is still childhood). Any time my parents feels inclined to punish me (they usually takes away my iTouch and laptop) it usually doesn’t help too much. Parents have got to realize that (with teenagers anyway) when you do something, we are going to want to do something back just to spite them, even if it lands us in deeper trouble.
Barb
15 Nov 2009
Thank you for posting Tatyanna. It’s helpful for parents to hear a teen’s perspective.
Granny
21 Nov 2009
We have a problem with our two grandsons. The oldest is nine and is very difficult especially after being with his dad; my daughter is divorcing her husband. The oldest first says he has no choice but to go to dad’s; then says he doesn’t spend enough time with dad. His grades are erratical, he says he hates mom, me, and his other grandmother. He yells, screams, tells us “no” all the time. We do not spank but do withhold things. My daughter is attentive to them; as much as possible while trying to deal with him. He says dad loves his brother better and that he is jealous of him. His brother is 5 and they fight and hit each other most of the time. I try and stay calm but after a few hours I can’t even take it. We do homework with him, try talking things out with him, and interact with him the whole time he is at our house while trying to teach him manners and responsibility. My daughter does also.