1 Oct
2008
I was speaking to a group of about 35 parents last night. My topic was “Discipline Vs. Punishment”. It’s a talk I’m frequently asked to present and one I love to do.
Many of us grew up with the notion that children need punishment and if they aren’t punished they’re not disciplined. Punishment as I describe it refers to spanking, withholding a privilege for an unreasonable length of time, or any sort of adverse response to a behavior that will often leave a child feeling frightened, confused and diminished. There is usually no connection between the punishment and the behavior. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline and is meant to teach the natural and logical consequences of our actions. Children who grow to be fearful of their parents, don’t thrive.
During my talk I offered a number of different discipline strategies that don’t include spanking, yelling or nagging. They keep both the child’s and the parent’s dignity intact. I also spent some time talking about why children misbehave in the first place. More and more when parents approach me with a parenting challenge, we find when we focus on the cause of the problem the challenging behavior all but disappears.
One of the main reasons children act out and don’t comply is because they’re simply seeking our attention. They have found a way to be noticed; to engage us. Even if it’s negative, it’s better than nothing. I will often ask simple questions such as: “How much time do you spend with your child in the evening before she/he goes to sleep?” “How much time do you spend just being together enjoying each other’s company, during the day?” Very often they realize that very little time is spent just connecting. Taking an extra 10 minutes at bedtime, or before dinner can meet a child’s very basic need to be noticed and can often eliminate their need to act out to get our attention.
Karen Putz
6 Oct 2008
This post really resonates with me. I have a friend who often punishes her child by taking away the phone and the computer for long periods of time but the child does not seem to improve on the behaviors she’s being punished for. Do you have your discipline strategies in a post online that I could share with her?
kayla
7 Oct 2008
I agree with you very much. What a great post I will be back again for sure thank you so much.
Christina
8 Oct 2008
This is an area where my husband and I need are struggling. Increasing punishments don’t work and we are in a rut and need some fresh ideas to help us out.
Barbara Desmarais
13 Nov 2008
Christina, I hope you’ve been able to find more useful information on the site. You’re right, increasing punishments don’t work. We really need to figure out the source of the problem.
Sandra R
9 Sep 2009
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.
Tatyanna
15 Nov 2009
I read this, and I agree completely. Unlike most of the posts here, I’m actually a child (evidently sixteen years of age is still childhood). Any time my parents feels inclined to punish me (they usually takes away my iTouch and laptop) it usually doesn’t help too much. Parents have got to realize that (with teenagers anyway) when you do something, we are going to want to do something back just to spite them, even if it lands us in deeper trouble.
Barb
15 Nov 2009
Thank you for posting Tatyanna. It’s helpful for parents to hear a teen’s perspective.
Granny
21 Nov 2009
We have a problem with our two grandsons. The oldest is nine and is very difficult especially after being with his dad; my daughter is divorcing her husband. The oldest first says he has no choice but to go to dad’s; then says he doesn’t spend enough time with dad. His grades are erratical, he says he hates mom, me, and his other grandmother. He yells, screams, tells us “no” all the time. We do not spank but do withhold things. My daughter is attentive to them; as much as possible while trying to deal with him. He says dad loves his brother better and that he is jealous of him. His brother is 5 and they fight and hit each other most of the time. I try and stay calm but after a few hours I can’t even take it. We do homework with him, try talking things out with him, and interact with him the whole time he is at our house while trying to teach him manners and responsibility. My daughter does also.
Jessica
19 Sep 2010
This blog was so helpfull for me and my husband. We want the best for him and sometimes question if what were doing is the proper way. We learned alot just from a few paragraphs thanks…….
Jordan Gregory
31 Oct 2010
As a young man of 21 years I was raised by a mother who raised 3 boys by herself with me being the youngest. All of us never liked my mother’s discipline which was normally privileges taken and spanking. Also my mother did not let me go where I wanted or do as I pleased. But she always told me she loved me and eventually I would thank her for what she did. Of course at my age I always felt “she’s trying to keep me from having fun.” Now as a Sophomore in college I reflect on those whose parents let them do as they please and most are problem children who aren’t in school or are already in jail or something on their criminal record. I’m not a parent myself yet but I understand from looking at my life why parents say “NO” its kept me out of trouble I hope this post helps someone’s child or some parent.
Anonymous
8 Sep 2011
I like this post and it makes perfect sense about spending time with your child after a long day of being away from it other. But my concern is she has started a different school and when she’s around other children she pinches and behaves in a manner that is not of the norm for her. She is only 3 years old but she has started big school(preK). How do I correct this behavior or address it. Everyday her teacher send progress report home and it states the same daily – pinching, stratching, hitting or aggrevating other children. All she’s responds with is they are in my space. Yesterday when I asked her she told me she wanted me. So it could possibly be the withdrawl from me now that she’s in school. Please advice.
Barbara Desmarais
9 Sep 2011
Whenever I hear stories of children acting out towards others, I’m interested to know what else is going on their life. I like to look at the big picture. Have there been any big changes in your life? Has she been away from you more than usual? Is there a new baby in the family? There are a number of factors that come into play with a child suddenly starts to act out.
Scott
14 Sep 2011
My son (2 years old) has just gone to a new childminder as my wife has just started a college course on Mon – Wed and I work full time. He is normally a very good little boy but has started acting out. He has started smacking the childminder, her husband, and the two other kids she looks after as well as having accidents all the time (almost completely potty trained when at home) and the childminder has told us that she cant cope with him. This is only the first three days he has been with her and we dont know what is happening. Any advice is gratefully recieved as she may tell us to find another childminder soon.
Barb
14 Sep 2011
Hi Scott –
If your two year old has been used to your wife being home with him all the time and suddenly she is gone three days a week, that is a big adjustment for him. Are either of you able to stay with him for a little bit when you first drop him off, just to help him adjust? I’m sure this behavior is just a phase and he’ll get used to his new routine. He might need a little extra TLC for the first few weeks of his new routine.
Scott
15 Sep 2011
Last night the childminder informed us that she was unable to cope with looking after him, so we are changing childminders again. We are moving him into a local nursery and hoping that this will make the transition easier for him. Though we will also take the advice of trying to stay with him for a while on his first few days.
Anonymous
16 Sep 2011
Yes it has, I have been going through treatment and surgery and other treatments for breast cancer since I was diagnosed August 2010 and issues with her father and I and I have gone back to work. But the pinching started when she started back to school about 3 weeks ago. When the school year ended I took her out of her school for the summer. But I did notice prior to her leaving her previous school she would come home pinching me like she was disciplining me and she would grap my chin and pull/snatch it so I asked her who does this to you she replied my teacher. So I am thinking this is something she has learned from experience. She was not pinching until she went back to school. Maybe it’s because she wants all of the attention. She is the only child.
Scott
20 Sep 2011
Since we moved Roman to the new childminders he has been a little angel again. According to the childminder there has been no throwing, temper tantrums, hitting or anything. He has even started walking himself to the potty, pulling his own trousers and pants down and going to the toilet without assistance. He still needs help pulling his trousers back up, but he is getting there. He is holding hands, and generally being a very good boy. We think that it was just a clash between him and the old childminder, but time will tell. Thank you for all your help.
Scott
28 Sep 2011
Since my last post we have had to move Roman again, as the nursery felt he needed more one on one time as his speach isnt 100%. He is slightly behind in his speech but he is only 2 and a half. We have found another childminder who has said that she wont give up on him. He is a very good, intelligent little boy and I cant understand why people seem to have an issue with him.