16 Dec
2008
When I’m coaching parents, many other issues come up apart from problems related to their children. When I’m working with a parent who is dealing with an angry, aggressive child, if we only focus on the behavior and not the cause of it, we might stop the behavior temporarily but we quickly see the same things re-surface. I always want to know what’s going on at home. Is the child jealous of the attention their sibling is receiving and they’re not? Are there frequent, heated arguments between the parents, and the kids are picking up the tension? Is one of the parents walking around with resentment and because of it, lashing out to the people they love the most? What’s going on?
Over the years, I’ve coached a lot of women who are living with abusive partners. They’re constantly belittled, disrespected, blamed for everything wrong in the relationship, told that their kids’ bad behavior is their fault. The list goes on and on. When I hear this, I know for sure their children are affected and it’s likely a major contributing factor to a lot of acting out behavior. The tendency is to react to the behavior which makes things only escalate. We have to address the real issue. The abuse has to stop.
If I’m coaching a person who is the target of abuse, we talk about different ways of responding so the abuser starts to realize they can no longer get away with their belittling, rude and disrespectful remarks. We talk about setting clear boundaries. We talk about learning how to walk away with your head held high. We talk about regaining power. We also talk about how this is all part of parenting.
The way we are in relationship is what we’re role modeling to our children. Also, by tolerating a consistently hostile atmosphere, our children simply cannot thrive. They get into survival mode. They might act out or they might internalize everything. They become the target of our angry, hurt feelings. We say things we later regret and it’s very hard to take back something we said.
What’s going on in your life that’s effecting your parenting? Are you tolerating abuse? What can you do to end the cycle?
Lisa Braithwaite
16 Dec 2008
Great post, Barb. As you know, I used to work with women and children in abusive relationships.
When a woman tries to leave an abusive relationship, or even attempts to stand up to her abuser (maybe for the first time), her situation can become exponentially more dangerous. When an abuser feels that his power and control are threatened, his abuse may escalate.
Be sure to connect her with appropriate resources so that when she’s ready to leave, she can do so safely. Her safety and the safety of her children should always be the first consideration.
And of course you’re right, that until the situation between the adults is taken care of, the children’s behavior is unlikely to improve.
Barbara Desmarais
16 Dec 2008
Thanks for your feedback Lisa. Thank goodness there are plenty of resources available to help women through this painful process.