29 Jan
2009
A few months ago I met a life coach whose mission it is to inspire people to have fun. Tia Singh grew up with parents who wanted the best for her and went out of their way to provide her with everything they felt she needed to lead a successful life. I wanted you to hear her tell her story as well as her insights around the role of parents in helping their children achieve true happiness.
BD: Can you briefly tell us your story?
TS: Sure! I was raised in a middle class Air Force family and lived in military base camps all over India till I was 14. There was mom, dad, my brother and me. Some of the places my dad was posted to were quite remote so at age 5 my grandfather paid for me to be sent to a prestigious boarding school, thinking that would give me a great start to my education.
I only have about 5 memories of my 2 years there and after I turned 7 my parents brought me back home to live with them. No one realised it at the time but being away for all that time and seeing my parents twice a year had affected me in a way that would show up painfully in my subconscious thoughts and feelings about myself in later years.
It wasn’t until 3 years ago when I sought to understand myself, my patterns and beliefs, that I found out about my paralysing fears of abandonment and loss and feelings of unworthiness that I’d carried with me since then ..
BD: What do you think your parent’s clear intent was?
TS: That’s pretty easy – they wanted me to have the best education they could afford and get a head start in life!
There weren’t any English speaking schools around where we lived then so boarding school seemed a great option. In a way I was following family tradition (dad and his brothers all went to prestigious boarding schools).
In later years we sat down and had a family discussion which had dad leaving the Air Force and moving overseas so that he could buy us a house and provide a better lifestyle for us. A move that would change our lives forever in many ways.
BD: Do you think they were guided by their own upbringing?
TS: Most definitely! Look, both my parents grew up in army homes, travelled all over the country, went to boarding schools (one of them) and had a traditional, strict upbringing. They grew up without visible demonstrations of love and affection – it was all about discipline and obedience.
So when my brother and I came along my parents made sure we got lots of cuddles, hugs and loving words along with healthy doses of discipline 
BD: What were the things they specifically said that you internalized?
TS: Ahhh .. the usual stuff one hears growing up! Like “studies are the most important thing in your life” and “a bachelor’s degree won’t get you anywhere these days, you must get a master’s” and that if I studied hard, got good grades, got accepted into a good course at a good university and did well, I would get a great job and marry a great guy and have kids and be happy.
That’s the general order of life and not doing that would mean I was a bit of a failure I guess. There was a big emphasis on what people / society would think i.e., my self-worth depended on whether others thought I was successful by societal standards (re: above) and had made my parents proud. Not much on what would make me happy. Our culture – and others around the world I suspect – just worked that way.
I remember being told “work hard now, play for the rest of your life; play now, work hard for the rest of your life” in an attempt to get me to realise the importance of school work but I was rather irreverent about studies all the same.
BD: Can you remember a specific time when you started to feel something was missing?
TS: I never had the feeling then that something was missing. However I do remember being unhappy between the ages of 14 – 24 and acting out a lot. Stuff was going on that made me very sad, angry and depressed. I was known as the Drama Queen amongst my friends. Looking back I cringe at how I was but knowing why makes it easier to feel compassion for my teenage self.
Not having a parent around much during my teenage years meant I was out of control, family life was strained, my mom was suffering and had problems of her own that affected us, my brother was trying to be the man of the family .. we all knew that the financial rewards at the end of it would keep us secure and comfortable but it came at great cost and a big sacrifice from every one of us.
BD: How did that play out in your life?
TS: I started doing badly at school and had to repeat a year as well as another year in college (university). Life was full of shame and embarrassment. Knowing that I had let down my parents, made them look bad and disappointed them was a terrible curse to bear.
I was the bad kid. The rebel. The one who had failed to make anything good of herself.
The emotional pain was so unbearable I often thought of leaving this world permanently and would dream of ways I was going to die and how everyone would cry at my funeral and tell me they were sorry and that they loved me .. I would wake up crying. Honestly, just talking about it again makes me feel sad. I’m not that girl anymore!
BD: What or who inspired you to look inside yourself?
TS: I left India in 2000 to attend a friend’s wedding in the US. I was going for 2 weeks but the Universe threw in an interesting life changing twist and I ended up staying for 2 years after being randomly offered a job. That’s when I started coming into my own a bit. But it was when I went back and travelled for a year all over India, doing courses, learning massage therapy, mountaineering etc, that the concept of “you can create your own happiness” was first introduced to me.
I read a lot of books by Wayne Dyer and Susan Jeffers and every book I read said that taking responsibility for my actions and thoughts was the only way to be really happy (simplified version!). Whoa! That meant I had to stop blaming everyone else for ruining my life and making me unhappy.
The last 2 years have been all about going deeper within myself (a year of counselling therapy really helped me identify my childhood wounds and fears and I could finally start to forgive myself and my parents) and healing and changing what was no longer working in my life i.e., listening to what others thought was best for me, feeling guilty for doing my own thing etc.
It’s been a huge up and down ride the last 2 years but it’s just amazing how life changed once I opened up to creating my own destiny. Now it doesn’t matter if I fail at something ‘cos hey it was my decision and it’s my life and I’m living it mistakes and all! What an empowering feeling that is J
BD: How did you change your inner dialogue?
TS: During the past 3 years I opened up dialogue with my parents and discussed everything I was learning about myself. Being able to tell them how their decision to send me away and all other decisions growing up affected me was therapeutic. For the first time in my life I was able to tell them about my feelings and how angry and hurt I was and for the first time they really listened.
Having their support helped me heal and gave me strength. To their credit, they know that what matters most in life is happiness and that their idea of it wasn’t the best for me. I know without doubt that my happiness is their main priority and no matter what unconventional ways I life my life, as long as I am happy, they are happy.
Living each day in deep awareness of my words, thoughts, actions and behaviour helps me show up as the person I want to be, the person I am within.
BD: What is your definition of happiness?
TS: Happiness! Happiness is being me, being accepted for who I am, supportive family and friends – and I mean really supportive! Feeling connected to people, being loved, having 100% of my parent’s love and support, making each day count, loving myself and knowing life will always turn out well. Having fun with friends, BBQ parties, going to concerts etc.
Little things that make me happy today have to do with childhood memories of lying on the grass at night pointing out constellations, playing games at the dinner table, board games with a ton of chocolates by our sides, going swimming with my dad and brother and coming home to toast and jam sammies … just thinking about these simple things still make me super happy and I can’t wait to create these memories for my kids!
Happiness today lies in every moment and every day. I’m not waiting till I have the perfect life I want – I’m happy everyday because I know that whatever happens, I will be fine.
BD: If you could give parents 7 tips to increase their child’s likelihood of achieving happiness, what would they be?
TS: 1) Tell them you love them. Really LOOK at your child and say I love you sweetheart and I want you to know that I will always love and support you.
2) Acknowledge them powerfully by addressing the character and values you see them display – know what they love and are good at and say “You are so courageous” or “That was very kind of you”. Kids need to know they are appreciated but don’t say anything you don’t mean – their BS detector is high!
3) Give focused attention esp. when there is a clash and ask questions like “what about this is important to you”. Really listen for clues as to why they may be reacting the way they are.
4) Teach them the value of $ and being responsible with it. I know this doesn’t sound like something that would make kids happy but when they grow up having a healthy attitude to money and spending really actually help.
5) Play with them – my happiest memories are of the time we spent together as a family. It wasn’t about spending money or going to the movies or trips away – it was about simple daily things that fostered a connection and sense of belonging.
6) Don’t compare your kid to other kids. I can’t stress this enough. Focus on what they are good at and foster self esteem and confidence, kindness and respect.
7) Be a role model and fess up when you make mistakes – they’ll respect you more and learn that it’s ok to make mistakes. Real power comes from being vulnerable and authentic in our interactions with each other. When my parents apologised for the things they did or said for my good as I was growing up, but that actually hurt me, my respect for them grew 100fold.
And here’s a bonus: Teach them to communicate well using I statements and don’t try to mould them into your idea of success and happiness.
As Albert Schweitzer said, Success is not the Key to Happiness; Happiness is the Key to Success!
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