Do you treat your kids all the same?

Last night I gave a workshop to a small group of parents on sibling rivalry.  I always like to start out by looking back at our own childhood.  I ask questions like:  “Did you grow up with siblings?”  “How do you remember your parents handing the fighting?”  “How do you wish they’d approached it?”  One parent said she remembers her sister complaining that every time she got a present, her sister had to have one too. 

Our kids really want to be treated uniquely and not the same.  I often give the example of birthday parties.  Many of think that when one child has a birthday it’s a good idea to get something for the siblings as well so they won’t feel left out.  How does it feel for the birthday child when that happens?  Their special day has now been diminished.  It’s no longer as special.  Everyone on the planet has a birthday, once a year.  Everyone deserves to be the king of queen for the day.  We don’t have to give to everyone, when one child has a birthday.  Also, if one child needs a new pair of shoes but the other doesn’t, we don’t need to buy two pairs of shoes.  If you see something one child would really like, buy it and don’t feel you have to do the same for the others at the same time.  The root of sibling rivalry is the competition for what children perceive as limited or scare resources.  In a family that is our love and attention.  Every child is unique and wants to be seen as special; not the same as the others.