When Parents Yell

Over the many, many years I’ve been working with parents many admit to yelling at their kids and they hate it.  No one has ever said to me:  “I get to the end of the day and reflect on all the yelling I did and feel proud.”  They know their kids don’t deserve it and they feel shame around their lack of control but they just don’t know what else to do.  The first thing I want to say is that I know for fact that all of you who yell love your kids and can’t imagine your life without them.  You might even say you didn’t know what love was until you had your first child.  I know that. 

Why is it that our kids sometimes bring out the worst in us and we say things we swore we would never say?  In-fact we behave in such a way that we may not even recognize ourselves.  I’m not going to get too analytical because I’m not a mental health professional.  I can’t explain what’s going on in the brain when our anger gets hold of us.  Over the years though I’ve learned there are patterns and certain situations bring out the ugly side of us.  Somtimes it’s simply because we were yelled at alot and it’s a style of parenting that’s been programmed into us.  Parents will unconsciously repeat the behavior of their own parents. 

Parenting is a job we’re not all prepared for nor are we all cut out for.  It demands more of us than anything else we’ll ever do.  Some people embrace it and do it with ease.  Others struggle almost every day.  “What is so difficult about what I’m asking?  Why can’t she just do it??” you might be asking yourself.  Children are little people and have the same needs as we all do for recognition, love, appreciation and power.  They also want to know what the limits are.  They want and need boundaries and feel more comfortable when they’re clear.  It takes a lot of patience and insight to recognize if any of those things are out of sync.  What we see as misbehavior is simply a crying out for something they sense they’re not getting.  We yell because it tries our patience.  We want things done and done NOW.  It’s tedious to have to wait and ask the same thing over and over again.

We all have buttons and we can be guaranteed children will push our buttons.  They know exactly what ones to push in fact.  Feelings of inadequacy will surface or pain that’s been buried for years.  Bad memories will be triggered.  Our need to please is put to the test.  If we choose to look at this way; we’re given a golden opportunity to look at those parts of ourselves that need addressing. 

The next time you yell, once the dust settles ask yourself: “What part of me was involved in this?”  The next question to ask yourself is:  “How do I want my children to remember me?”