When Grandparents Don’t Do Things Our Way

I was talking with a grandmother of a two year old yesterday. There’s another baby on the way.   There had been some talk of her and her husband moving closer to their daughter so they could see their grandchildren more and be more convenient for babysitting.  She was having second thoughts though because of a long list of criticisms around the way she was doing things.  She said her daughter says things like:  ”We don’t play with her that way” and “She doesn’t need her hair washed again” and “Why would you give her fruit and cottage cheese?” On and on it goes.  The grandmother said she recently put bubbles in her granddaughter’s bath to make it more fun for her because she was a little anxious.  Her daughter criticized her decision to use bubble bath.  The result of all of this is that Grandma now feels inadequate as a grandparent, resentful towards her daughter, and is losing all interest in moving closer to her grandchildren.   

I didn’t grow up with grandparents and always envied friends who were close to theirs. Grandparents have a special relationship with their grandchildren.  Rituals are created that only happen at Grandma’s house.  There might be special activities that your children do with them and no one else.  Children know there are other people besides their parents who adore them and take a special interest in their lives.  What could be better?  The more people who love our children and who can take an active part in their life, the more loved and secure they feel.

Yes, grandparents probably do some things differently than parents do.  That’s because we’re all different and we all do things our own way.  We all have different levels of tolerence and a different rhythm.  Children learn to adapt to all these differences.  When they go to school they’ll encounter teachers who will have a completely different set of rules than the teacher of the previous year.  That’s just the way it is. 

When we criticize the way grandparents are doing things and consequently create tension in the relationship, the people who suffer the most are the kids.  They’re being denied the strong, loving bond with their grandparent they deserve.  So, they got a bath that was maybe a little different than the way we do it.  Will it matter five years from now?  There are many many things that will be different but years from now or even weeks from now, will it matter? No. 

I’ve worked with parents who share their home with their parents and there can often be pronounced inconsistencies around discipline.   Or their parents might be the primary caregiver while they’re at work and the approach to discipline is radically different.  Sometimes I’ll hear of a grandparent undermining the parent’s authority.  That’s another blog topic and not what I’m referring to here. 

It’s in our kids’ best interest that we let go of the notion that our way is the “right” way and support the special relationship our kids have with their grandparents.