Do you have a defiant child?

Over the last few months I’ve coached several parents who report an escalation of defiant behavior from their preschooler.  Everything seems to turn into a battle and they’re facing disrespectful comments beyond what they could have imagined.  It’s heart breaking when this happens and you find yourself disliking your own child at times.  You’re thinking “What’s happened to my innocent child?!!” 

Every child is different and every situation is a little bit different.  There could be several reasons why your child has suddenly become defiant.  Sometimes though, it’s simply because our boundaries are not clear.  Many children will act out just to see if they can get away with it.  They’re testing us.  We might answer with “You can’t talk to me like that” but the behavior continues so the message isn’t sinking in.  If our response to problematic behavior doesn’t result in change then we have to change course.  It’s funny how we continue to respond to things the same way even though we’re not getting the results we want.

There are times when a no nonsense approach is what children need and want.  It doesn’t mean you have to suddenly start spanking or yelling louder.  It means with your voice and body language you  make it crystal clear that what your child is doing is not acceptable.  Period.  If you’ve said “No more throwing sand” and they continue,  your next response is “If you continue to throw sand, we’re leaving the park”.  If they again continue, you scoop up your 3 year old, take her to the car and drive home.  There is no need for an explanation.  Your voice and body language need to demonstrate that you mean business.  You don’t even have to raise your voice.  The key is to take action.  Do exactly what you said you were going to do and do it immediately.  If children think we can be manipulated, they’ll try to convince us we’re being unfair or they should get one more chance.  YOU are the parent.  They must know that you cannnot be controlled or manipulated. Children feel much more secure when they know unequivocally that we mean exactly what we say. 

If you have a child who chooses to disrespect you with their words and actions, it’s in their best interest for you to say:  “If you continue to talk to me that way, we are leaving” or “If you continue to talk to me that way, you will not be able to play with (whatever they value)”.  Again, what’s key is to follow through and follow through immediately. We simply can’t fall for the crying, yelling, complaining or anything else they might try, just to see if they can get away with it.