29 Jul
2009
Fifteen years ago we participated in a study out of the University of British Columbia, on step families. A few weeks ago we were asked to participate in the follow-up of the same study which we were told is the largest study of step families in BC. The questions I answered gave me cause to reflect on my personal experience of being a step parent.
When I met my husband 25 years ago, he was a single dad to identical, twin, deaf, 5 year old boys. The boys had actually never known life with both parents living under the same roof. They were under 2 when my husband and his ex-wife divorced. If there is ever a good time to divorce when you have kids, it’s probably when they’re very young.
The questions I was asked in the follow-up were mostly around different aspects of our marriage and the kinds of things we agreed and disagreed on. My guess is that one of the things the study is trying to establish is how a marriage fairs when one or both partners was married before and has children. The questions were asked of us separately. (I’m quite curious if my husband’s answers concurred with mine.)
I would be lying if I said there were never any challenges. There were but we got through them. I often said to myself in the early stages of our marriage that being in my early 30’s was to my advantage. I was better prepared with some life experience behind me, to handle the challenges and multiple dynamics that I was faced with, than if I’d been in my early 20’s. If I hadn’t yet matured, I was forced to grow up FAST. I soon realized when you marry someone with children, you marry their children, their former partner, her new partner plus take on all that went on before you came along. It’s a lot and my guess is that most of us who take it on, go in naively.
One thing I instinctively knew was important was to allow the already established relationship my husband had with his twin boys to be separate from what we were creating as a new family. They had a history that I wasn’t part of and in my case, the boys had been with their dad for 4 years, before I came along. They had a bond that was special among the 3 of them. Our new family of 4 would be a different dynamic altogether.
We all have a different style of parenting and I did what felt natural to me in my new role which was to gain my step-sons’ loyalty and trust gradually. I tried not to interfere when my husband was disciplining; especially in the early years. In our case though, I ended up being the parent they actually saw the most of. My husband worked long hours and they saw their own mother twice a week for dinner and every other weekend. Never did I hear “You’re not my mom. I don’t have to listen to you”. For the most part the boys respected my boundaries. It was good for all of us that I knew Sign Language.
To say there was never any hostility between my husband and his ex-wife would by a lie. There was a lot although very often things went along quite smoothly. I tried as best I could to be a neutral player, and not side with anyone. I felt when things were rough, someone had to be a stabilizing force and I decided it was going to be me. I made sure my life at that time was well balanced with lots of time with friends and plenty of exercise. I needed it.
I always wanted a big family and that’s what I got. We have 2 children of our own plus we have my husband’s 2 boys who are now 30 year old men; 1 with a wife and child of his own. When there are problems with any of the 4 kids my husband and I work as a team. This is our family.
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