I am a recovering people pleaser

When I was growing up, life at home wasn’t always perfect.  There were issues between my parents that caused them to lash out; either at each other or at one of us.  As a child, you’re never quite certain what your parents are arguing about, all you know is that it doesn’t feel good.  The tension is really uncomfortable.  My way of surviving, or coping with the hostility was to be a “good girl”.  If I complied with every request, and didn’t challenge anything I would decrease the possibility of more hostility.  I didn’t want to give my parents any reason to be mad at me.  I hated how it felt.  I can remember my mom asking for  help with the dishes, or picking up things in the living room.  Without hesitation, I would quickly say;  “I will.”  That way there would be no nagging or lecturing that no one ever did anything.  Another thing I remember was Sunday morning breakfasts.  We often had bacon and eggs.  Usually it would be fried eggs.  Inevitably one of the eggs would break in the pan which meant the yoke had spilled into the white.  No one wanted that one so I would offer to take the broken egg.  It was another way to avoid any arguing.  In other words, I decided it was my job to make everyone happy; at least to the best of my ability. 

Once you take on a role as a child, you hold on to that role when you become an adult.  Yes, I became a true, card carrying, people pleaser.  Do whatever it takes to make everyone happy and that way no one will be mad at you.  If no one is mad at you, you avoid that awful feeling in your stomach you had as a child.  It’s something I’ve had to work very hard at and still do.  Trying to please everyone, means pleasing no one.  Coaching has been an enormous help.  I remember something my first coach said to me about putting time aside for other people.  She said if someone wants to meet with you at a certain time in the morning and that happens to be the time you eat breakfast, you’re not available.  What?!!!  You mean it’s ok to set my schedule according to my needs?   I can’t tell you how liberating that was.  With with that kind of permission, I started moving towards other ways I could design my life according to what’s best for me despite what others  might think. 

Have I been cured from being a chronic people pleaser?  No.  It crops up constantly but my awareness is much greater and I’m now able to recognize when I’m putting the needs of others ahead of my own just to avoid that awful feeling that goes back to when I was a little girl.  Did you take on a role as a child, that you continue to play as an adult?