Do you have a strong willed child?

Apart from private coaching, I lead and co-lead parenting groups.  Invariably a topic comes up which leads to further discussion around a specific aspect of the topic.  Yesterday we were discussing temperament and how important it was to know your child’s natural temperament and be able to accept it.  Some children are just naturally more active than others.  Some are highly sensitive to their environment.  Some take a long time to warm up to new situations.  Others jump in without hesitation.  Temperament is something we can’t change but what we can do, is learn how to handle it and just go with it.

We all know children who are very strong willed and want to challenge us every step of the way.  Maybe you have a child like that yourself.  They constantly want to push the envelope.  I often tell parents of strong willed children,  that they’re difficult to parent but I believe they’ll do well in life.  They’ll know what they want and won’t let anything get in their way. 

 In the midst of our discussion on temperament, I was offering some strategies around getting children to do what we ask; in a democratic way.  In response, one mom said:  “Sometimes I just want to say to my son:  ’Suck it up!’ ”.   She said she doesn’t always feel like offering choices, or making a task into a game or distracting.   My response to her was that despite the new trend in parenting which is more democratic than autocratic, there are times when it’s completely ok to take full charge and let your child know that although it might not seem fair, or it’s not what you want to do, this is just the way it is. This mom has a strong willed child.

 Like everything else, if we over-use a particular strategy or take something to the extreme, it’s no longer effective.  I used the example of time-outs.  I think giving a child a time-out can be a very effective tool, but if you’re using it multiple times a day, it’s not effective.  It’s time to look at the bigger picture, or start employing a different strategy.  Parents of strong-willed children, can easily be pulled into prolonged negotiations and power struggles.  They need us to set firm, enforceable limits and know when to simply take charge.