Parenting Our Adult Children

I remember when we brought our first child home from the hospital I said: “Well Claire, we’ve got the next 20 years together.”  Those 20 years have flown by and she is now almost 23 years old.  Marc arrived 2 years after Claire and he will turn 21 this July.  We also have 2 older ones who are 31; my husband’s twin sons from his previous marriage.  I’m learning that parenting doesn’t stop when our kids become adults.  They still need us, but in different ways.  They’re not dependent on us the way they were when they were young but as they make their way in the adult world, they often need a leg up.  They need to know we believe they have what it takes to get through their challenges and they still want to be recognized for their accomplishments.  They want to be heard.  They want some guidance when making decisions; but not unsolicited.  They want to be accepted for who they are and to know it’s OK to make a mistake. They also want “home” to be the same as it was when they were growing up.

My young adult children are also my friends.  I love being around them; hearing about what’s going on with their friends, hearing about plans they’re making and listening to all their anecdotes.  We laugh together and I love it that they get sarcasm.  By now they’ve figured out that their parents aren’t perfect  people.  We have our funny habits, quirks, weaknesses, and many imperfections.  They love us anyway. 

I recognize this as a whole new phase of life both for my husband and I and for our children.  They’re adults now and have their own lives yet our lives are still very much connected.  We’re connected in a nice way.  We respect each person’s need for independence yet we always know we’re there for each other.  We celebrate together and check in with each other.  We share the ups and downs of our lives together without leaning on each other. 

Parenting doesn’t have the same meaning it had when our children were young, but we’re still parents. The role has just been redefined.  It’s being there while at the same time, letting go.  It’s supporting without enabling.  It’s nurturing without coddling.  It’s creating space but staying emotionally close.  My children continue to help me grow as a person and I hope that never stops.