The Parenting Coach

By: Barbara Desmarais
Parenting and Life Coach

A common theme over the past 20 years has been how much children have changed from when we were growing up in terms of how they show respect. I know that for the most part in the 1960’s, anyone in a position of authority commanded respect which included parents, teachers, police officers, principals, bosses, coaches and anyone else we viewed in some way as a person in authority. We in fact were taught to “obey” and do as we were told; no questions asked. Many of those people did command respect but unfortunately many of them abused their position of power and felt they were licensed to say and do whatever they wanted simply by virtue of the position they held.

There are 3 components to respect; the respect you have for yourself, the respect you have for others and the respect you COMMAND of others. It is our job as parents to model and teach all three. Is it reasonable for us to command respect simply because we’re a parent?

For our children to learn respect we first and foremost need to learn to show respect towards ourselves. How is that done? We show respect for ourselves but setting clear and concise boundaries, presenting ourselves to others in a way that says we respect who we are, honoring our gifts and talents and choosing to spend time with people that support and value who we are.

It’s very difficult to command respect if we don’t show respect towards others, including our children. How do we show our children that we respect them? Showing respect towards our children means respecting their privacy, saying “please” and “thank-you” in a way that they know we’re genuine, accepting their likes and dislikes, showing respect for their style of learning, speaking to them in a tone that we would want to be spoken to, speaking to them at eye level and making a point not to demean them in public. It also means giving them our time when they need it and acknowledging their feelings.

Children need to witness us treating our partners, co-workers, service providers, neighbors and friends respectfully. One of the ways they learn to show respect towards others is by what they’ve experienced through us. How do we handle disagreements? How do we talk about others when they’re not around? How do we address people? How do we respect people’s individual rights? Children learn what they live.

By no means should we accept rudeness and disrespect from our children. We can always say: “When you can ask me in a more polite way, I’d be glad to help you.” Children will often challenge us and say things to try and make us feel guilty so we’ll change our mind. For the most part, it’s wise to just not engage in any kind of power struggle just to prove that we’re the boss. We can simply state our request and then walk away and resolve not to give in if we’ve decided that the issue is non negotiable. If on the other hand, your child has presented an argument that is worth considering, he/she deserves to be heard. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re going to change your mind but it may be that there is room for negotiation. If they’ve presented a good argument in a non-confrontational manner, they deserve to be acknowledged. We also have a right to impose a reasonable consequence if a child has displayed blatant disrespect. It clearly tells them that you won’t accept the behavior.

Being able to challenge someone’s opinion or point of view, I believe is healthy as long as it’s not done in a way that undermines the other person’s character. Do we want to raise children who never question authority even when it seems unreasonable, unfair or unethical?

By: Barbara Desmarais
Parenting and Life Coach

It’s been a long day and you desperately want some adult time before heading off to bed yourself but your patience is being tried because your children won’t go to bed or take forever to settle. There are a number of strategies that can make bedtime easier if this sounds like your house. Let’s face it, some children though just naturally settle much easier than others. I always envied people whose children went to bed and went to sleep with little fuss.

If you’re a parent of an infant older than six month and who is still not sleeping through the night, there are a few methods worth considering depending on what you’re comfortable with. Dr. Richard Ferber’s book “Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems” teaches a method for infants up to preschoolers that involve letting your child “cry it out” until they learn to settle themselves to sleep. Parents go in and comfort their child at periodic intervals. The other is by Dr. William Sears who prescribes more attachment and sleeping with your baby. Another baby expert, Dr. Jodi Mindell advocates a sort of gentle Ferber approach. See what fits for you.

Children find it hard to separate from us at night and will do their best to stretch out bedtime for as long as possible. They usually do better if we try and stick to a routine at bedtime that involves a bath, a story and some quiet time with at least one parent. Depending how active your child is, it’s wise to start winding down an hour or two before bedtime begins. It’s hard for any of us to go right to sleep when we’ve been over stimulated. Decide ahead of time how many stories you’re prepared to read. If two short ones is all you’re up for then say that at the outset and let them choose the two they want. If you’re up for more, great but you don’t need to give in to demands for more than is reasonable. A nice way to conclude the day is to sit at the end of the bed and ask: “What was the best thing about today?” or “Did anything good happen today” or “Did anything bad happen today?” Try and end on a happy note. Children love the attention and it needn’t be more than five or ten minutes. Many children do better at night with a night light left on in the room. Once you know you’ve given them all they need train yourself not to give in to the endless demands that might follow.

Don’t forget to keep your needs in mind. What will make you a nicer mom or dad to be around? Having a good night’s sleep helps a lot and giving yourself adult time in the evening lessens resentment that too much of our time is being “stolen” by relentless demands of parenting.

Recommended reading:

SOLVE YOUR CHILD’S SLEEP PROBLEMS: Dr. Richard Ferber

NIGHTIME PARENTING: HOW TO GET YOUR BABY & CHILD TO SLEEP:
Dr. William Sears

SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT: HOW INFANTS, TODDLERS AND THEIR PARENTS CAN GET A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP: Dr. Jodi Mindell

Music is a wonderful way for you to calm and soothe your baby,
especially during the first year. How many times have your
heard parents say that there was nothing that they could do
with their crying, fussing baby until they tried music. This is
because music does indeed soothe the savage beast, or in this
case, the baby.

There are certain distinct sounds that have been proven to calm
even fussy babies: the sounds of nature, white noise, and music.
Even if your baby isn’t fussing or crying you may want to use
music as often as you can to encourage that feeling of calm and
peacefulness. All it takes is a few minutes every day and before
you know it your baby will be looking forward to hearing that
certain song emanating from the CD player.

There is nothing complicated or mysterious about introducing
your baby to music from day one. You don’t need to search for
the perfect song or a certain type of music. All you have to do
is start by having your baby listen to your favorite songs and
music. If jazz is on the top of your list, let your baby listen
to the sounds of John Coltrane as he sits in his baby seat
watching you in the kitchen. It doesn’t matter if you play the
schmaltzy songs of the eighties or some wicked African beat,
your baby is going to listen and his mood is going to be
altered by any musical sound that he hears.

Besides the music that you yourself can introduce your baby to,
there are hundreds of CDs on the market today that are filled
with baby songs and lullabies. At the end of the day you may
want to play a CD of quiet baby songs that have a slower beat.
There are so many CDs for you to choose from that you will have
a hard time making up your mind. Choose something that
interests you. Many baby CDs will have lullabies and faster
beat songs on the same CD.

Playing music has other benefits besides soothing your fussy,
crying baby. These benefits include:

- Babies are introduced to musical sounds.
- Music enhances your baby’s behavior and cognitive skills.
- Relieves stress for the entire family.
- Will stimulate curiosity and an interest in music.

Take time to find a variety of music CDs for your baby to
listen to. You’ll soon notice which music your baby is most
drawn to and can use that music when he is particularly fussy
or is crying.

About The Author: To find many more articles on parenting
babies and toddlers and kids and teens head over to
http://www.freeparentingtipsonline.com where you will find all
you need to know about being a parent!

By: Barbara Desmarais

Recently I attended a class given by Debra Pankow, Ph.D. , North Dakota State University Family Economics Specialist. She provided a lot of interesting insights regarding children and money and included links for parents for further information.

She emphasized that most of what children will learn about money is by the way their parents manage money. If we’re good money managers so will they be. She encourages us to share decisions around money with our children so they get a clear idea of what our values are and why we’re making the decisions we’re making. Let them know why we’ve decided to buy something or not to buy it and how we save money.

In order for children to learn about money they have to have money. Debra supports giving a monthly or weekly allowance and enough so they have some to spend, some to save and some to share. The amount we give is very individual depending on what we’re comfortable with and what we can afford. She said some people prefer to call it a pay cheque rather than an allowance. She discourages payment for regular household chores but endorses payment for things we would pay someone else to do. The purpose of an allowance is to learn about money. . Research says that you end up spending less money on a child when you give him/her an allowance than if you give money when they ask.

Allow children to make some mistakes with their money Debra says and praise them for making good choices. Money provides numerous teaching opportunities. We can begin teaching them when they’re very young the difference between wants and needs. You’ll be surprised by how many times those things they think they really want aren’t as valuable anymore when they know they have to pay for them themselves. My children have had a monthly allowance for many years and I can say for sure it has meant far few arguments once they realized they had to pay for any non- essentials themselves. I’m often impressed at the decisions they make around spending. They’ve made lots of mistakes but with each mistake they’ve learned some important lessons.

Author: Carrie Lauth

Have you ever noticed how some Moms seem to be very contented
and confident in their role as Mothers, and others seem
chronically stressed and approaching burnout? Why are some Moms
unflappable and able to keep their sense of humor, while others
overreact to the slightest stressors in their day?

I’m currently observing and interviewing these happy Moms as I
conduct research for an upcoming book. While all Moms are
different, these women usually have several of the following
traits in common.

1) They keep it simple.
I know one Mom who grocery shops every two weeks and buys the
exact same thing every time to prepare the same menu of 14
dinners. Why does she do this? She’s picked the family’s
favorite meals for her menu to save herself time and arguments
at the dinner table. Anyone with kids knows they like to eat
the same things over and over! This Mom has decided not to
reinvent the wheel twice a month. This is just one example of
keeping it simple.

2) They teach their kids to be independent.
This doesn’t mean they leave them to their own devices all day.
But a smart Mom knows that a 2 year old can put a dish in the
dishwasher, a 4 year old can prepare his own peanut butter and
jelly sandwich, and a 7 year old can sweep a floor (albeit
imperfectly!). Call it “outsourcing” for Moms.

3) They drop the SuperMom complex.
Not sweating the small stuff seems to be a common trait of
happy Moms. They learn to pick their battles. Getting buckled
into a car seat? Not negotiable. Pink paisley pants with the
orange plaid shirt? Fashion creativity.

Happy Moms also realize that being an awesome Mom doesn’t mean
being a perfect Mom. ‘Nuff said.

4) They can often be overheard repeating the phrase “This too
shall pass”.
It doesn’t mean that bothersome behavior in kids should be
overlooked, for discipline is a huge time saver in the end. It
means that Moms realize that children are…well, uncivilized
creatures, and that much uncivilized behavior will simply go
away on its own as the child matures. Smart Moms are also
keenly aware of their child’s development and don’t expect more
of them than they are able to give.

5) Smart Moms take care of themselves.
They don’t blame the baby for their extra weight when the baby
in question is potty trained! They put emphasis on good
nutrition, avoiding too much by way of stimulants (caffeine,
sugar), they get adequate rest, and daily exercise. They
realize that you can’t pour from an empty bucket.

6) They live in the moment.
Happy Moms realize that the days are long but the years short.
It’s not that they are impervious to stress, it’s that they
have learned to lower their expectations and be in the moment
when things get difficult. When your toddler is puking all over
the house, this is not the time to reorganize the hall closet. A
sick day then turns into a time to create sweet memories of
hours spent reading and cuddling on the couch.

7) They don’t worry about what others think.
Whether it’s the disapproving glare from the old lady in the
checkout line, the Mother in law who is convinced you’re
starving the baby by breastfeeding, or the Pediatrician whose
medical advice strays into parenting advice, happy Moms learn
not to give too much weight to the opinions of those who don’t
live in their home.

8) In other words, they trust their instincts.
Whether it’s taking the baby to bed with them so they can get
more sleep or taking a bullied child out of public school,
smart Moms know that they are the expert of their own babies.

9) Happy Moms have “something else”
It may be a part time home based business or a hobby like belly
dancing. These Moms know that some day their babies will fly the
coop, and they make sure they have a passion that will give them
purpose when that happens.

About The Author: Carrie Lauth is the author of the upcoming
book: “Awesome Moms: 187 Years of Mothering Wisdom”. Take a
sneak peak at http://www.momswisdom.com. For more great
articles and resources for Moms doing things the natural way,
visit http://www.natural-moms.com

For more free-reprint articles by Carrie Lauth please visit:
http://www.isnare.com/?s=author&a=Carrie+Lauth

By: Barbara Desmarais

There aren’t a whole lot of behaviors that test our patience as a parent more than temper tantrums. If we’re over tired, over scheduled, or over worked, it’s often the last thing we want to have to deal with. Some children have them on occasion but many children have them regularly.

Generally speaking there are three different circumstances that bring on tantrums. One is when a child doesn’t get her way so she has tantrum until she gets what she wants. The second is when a child is over stimulated and/or over tired and they simply can’t cope any more and the smallest thing will sent them over the edge. The last type of tantrum is when a child wakes up from a nap and suddenly falls into a temper tantrum. I’ve experienced all three with all of my children.

When a child has a temper tantrum to get what she/he wants and we give in, we are essentially teaching him that that is the way to get what you want. Often we find ourselves saying: “Ok, but this is the LAST one!” or “Ok, here, have it.” We become desperate to stop the screaming so the easiest thing to do is to give in. The more we give in, the more we can be assured that in situations where children are trying to get something, we will experience more and more tantrums because they’ve learned from our actions that they work. If we say no and stick to our word, they soon learn that crying and screaming gets them nowhere. The important thing is to be consistent and to tell yourself that not giving in will pay off enormously in the long run.

The second type of tantrum is when a child is hungry, over tired, or over stimulated. We’ll often see children fall apart late in the afternoon. It’s at these times we need to review if we should have maybe gone out only once instead of several times, or had several small snacks available throughout the day instead of expecting our child to wait until meal times to eat. It’s my belief that most young children benefit from a quiet time everyday, even after they’ve grown out of naps. Also, too much stimulation for some children can do more harm than good. Be aware of how much your child can handle. In the meantime, humour often works well and is a good distraction. Under no circumstances though should a child be allowed to hurt anyone or destroy property.

The third type of tantrum is when children are waking from a nap and have difficulty making the transition from sleep. They often become confused and disorientated which is upsetting. In this situation, it is best just to understand what’s happening and be in close proximity. Sometimes all you can do is let them go through it until they calm down.

If we as parents are well rested and our own needs are being met, we’re much better equipped for most things that come our way, including temper tantrums.

By: Barbara Desmarais

Remember those days before children when we could honestly say we couldn’t remember the last time we lost our temper? Do you now find yourself from time to time, not recognizing yourself in your own behavior? Children have the ability to push buttons we didn’t even know we had and will push us to a point where we later regret our words and/or actions. Welcome to parenthood. I remember losing it once with my two children over them not going to bed and thinking: “Who was that??!!” I don’t think there is anything else in the world that brings so much joy and at the same time so much anxiety. Beating yourself up over your reaction to a certain behavior is neither fair on yourself nor productive. We’re all human and from time to time say things we regret. Children need to know that we all make mistakes.

There are times when certain behaviors from our children trigger a weakness in us. If that is the case, we can learn to recognize it for what it and understand why we reacted the way we did. Are we carrying around issues that need resolving that really have nothing at all to do with our children? Are there parts of our character that need strengthening? Are we tolerating things that we can start to let go of? Are we forgetting to express what we need? Behaviors from our children that trigger an emotional response always provide an opportunity to get to know ourselves better.

Once we’ve said something we regret, it’s been said and we can’t take it back. We can though make amends and assume responsibility for our behavior. Children are VERY forgiving. The end of the day is a good time to “make right” things that might have happened during the day that you don’t feel good about. “I’m really sorry I yelled at you today. You don’t deserve to be yelled at.” Or, “I’m sorry I spanked you this afternoon. I wasn’t thinking and I know it was wrong of me.” Or, “I’m not happy with the way I handled what happened today. I’m sorry. Let’s try and make tomorrow a better day.”
Letting children know that we made a mistake and are willing to do things differently role models to them that making a mistake is not wrong, it’s when we don’t own our mistakes that we run into problems.

Some strategies for controlling anger are; walking away before you say something you’ll regret, staying in the present rather than referring to things that happened in the past, avoiding threats of any kind and staying short and to the point. It can also be very helpful just to pick up the phone and call a friend when you think you’re losing control. Chances are they’ve done the same thing and will be happy to provide an understanding ear. We’re all human.

Written By: MaryLynne White
Copyright: 2005

Brain research has given us a new understanding of why children
behave the way they do. This article looks at how the brain
affects children’s behaviors when they think their parents are
angry and upset with them. It then offers suggestions to parents
on how to strengthen parenting skills so you can get your kids to
listen to you.

In a nutshell, the brain has three main parts:

1. The brain stem, which is connected to the spinal column,
deals with survival. It’s responsible for our heart rate,
blood pressure, temperature, etc.

2. You find the midbrain in the central part of your brain.
It governs our emotions; how we feel. Although people call
it the limbic system, I call this the lizard part of the
brain for reasons I will explain later.

3. The third part of the brain is located behind the forehead.
I refer to this as the thinking part of the brain. This is
where you think rationally, solve problems, find solutions,
etc.

Under normal circumstances, when a person sees something that
doesn’t look threatening, the image bypasses both the brainstem
and the limbic system, moving quickly to the front of the brain.
Here, it has the ability to make decisions about what to do next.

When people find themselves feeling afraid for their safety or
their life, the message goes directly to the lizard part of the
brain. There is no time to have a discussion about what’s going
on. No, the brain says, “danger,” and they need to react
immediately! There is no thinking taking place. People, like
you and me, react one of three ways:

* Fight; we attack what ever it is that’s scaring us

* Flight, we try to avoid the situation by walking away,
looking away, or changing the subject

* Freeze, we are immobilized by fear and can’t move; like a
deer on the road watching the headlights of a car coming
closer and closer.

Children respond the same way when they become frightened by a
parent’s angry voice or response to their behavior. Because they
are in the emotional part of their brain, children are unable to
think—they’re in pure reaction mode. That’s why I call this
part, the “lizard” part of the brain.

When a child hears or sees an angry parent or adult looking at
him and/or talking to him, an immediate, unconscious thought
occurs in the brain. The child feels a sense of shame, “I’ve
done something bad”, or “I’m bad”. The lizard part of the brain
becomes engaged and the unconscious thought of losing the
parents’ love (and fears of abandonment), make the child feel
unsafe. When a child doesn’t feel safe, you will see the same
three behavior patterns.

* Fight: The child becomes angry and oppositional, arguing
with you. He or she may show aggressiveness and
defensiveness, not listening to you. The more a parent
scolds and raises his or her voice, the angrier and more
oppositional the child becomes. Does this sound familiar?
This is not a winning situation for either parent or child.

* Flight: Because of the feeling of shame, the child becomes
uncomfortable and doesn’t know how to react to the parent.
You might see behaviors such as, not looking at you, walking
away, and ignoring you while doing something else. Sometimes,
the child breaks down and cries or whimpers, as a means of
escape from what he or she perceives are a very uncomfortable
situation. The child does not feel safe. This is important
for parents to understand. If your child’s reaction to your
tone of voice or response is flight, the child not only does
not feel safe and will probably not tell you the truth, the
child is NOT in the thinking part of the brain; talking about
whatever happened will go no where.

* Freeze: The child looks at you with blank eyes. The body
is there, and no one is home. It’s like looking at a dear
in your headlights while driving. The deer sees you coming
and yet is paralyzed by fear to move. The same is true when
a child shuts down emotionally because he or she does not
feel safe and doesn’t know what else to do. The child cannot
discuss what happened or process it with you because he or
she is not using the thinking part of the brain.

REMEMBER:

When you become angry and/or upset at your child:

- The child feels a sense of shame

- Shame brings on fear

- Fear makes the child feel unsafe

- Fear shuts down the thinking part of the brain

- Nothing can be solved

- No one wins!

The next time you find yourself angry at your child; watch his or
her reaction and you’ll know immediately which part of the brain
is being used. If your child is in the lizard part of the brain,
you will need to help him or her shift into the thinking part
before you can have a meaningful conversation. Some suggestions
to help you do this are:

* Ask your child, “What part of your brain are you in right
now?” If the child responds by telling you the lizard part,
then ask, “What do you need to do to get to the thinking
part?” If the response is, “I don’t know,” Your child has
already shifted and is thinking about what you’re saying.
“Would you like some suggestions?” usually helps. If the
answer is “yes”, give a couple of ideas such as sitting down
and thinking about how he created this situation or what he
could have done differently so you wouldn’t get angry.

* Remember your child is experiencing fear, even though you
don’t think there is a reason for it. Consequently, your
child will calm down faster if your tone of voice is soft
and gentle. Look at your child directly in the eyes and say
something like, “I can see you’re upset right now and so
am I. Let’s take a time-out from each other and talk about
this later when we’re feeling better.”

Respectful, responsible and fun to be around children hang out in
the thinking part of their brains. When your child doesn’t act
this way, remember the lizard part of the brain. Then, you can
help shift your child to the thinking part where you can both
talk and work out problems together. It’s a win-win for both of
you.

———————————————————————
MaryLynne White
Can a Game Really Compel Any Child to Behave?
“How to Become a Super Nanny in Your Own Home!
Free Consumer Awareness Guide Shows You How…” http://www.ParentSurvival911.com 949.939.3176
Contact Email: mailto:MaryLynne@ParentSurvival911.com

By Judy Wright

Homes should be run by parents, not children. So many times, however, either the children are in charge or
the parents are so eager to be liked, that whatever rules and standards are talked about, few are enforced, especially on a consistent basis.
Children, whether they are two or 18, feel more confident when they know that you, the adults, are in charge and that their environment is predictable and safe. They need to be taught what is right and wrong, what is acceptable and what is unacceptable, what is appropriate, and what is rude and out of place.
Though they will get mixed or conflicting messages from the television, magazine and friends, they need you to set and enforce clear, respectful rules and limits. They need to know that you expect them to do and be their best.
By providing this guidance you will help them learn how to be responsible, contributing members of society.
Consistency in discipline is the number one factor in successful families: It is important that love, respect, cooperation and expectations are unconditional.
Consistent boundaries within the family are pretty predictable; for instance:
* They will grow up knowing that mom and dad must know the 4 Ws before they are allowed to leave with friends. WHO are the friends, WHERE are they going, WHAT are they doing, and WHEN will they be home.
* A child can count on dinner being at six o’clock or there about.
* They need to know that bedtime is 8:30 on school nights and that homework is done before playtime.
But sometimes in life, opportunities come up that make boundaries and rules flexible. A relative visits from out of town, so it might be okay for the kids to stay up till 9:30 one night to enjoy the experience. Rules can bend occasionally, but if they get broken, we are all in trouble.
As long as the family knows that in general, there is a structure that they can count on and limits to what is accepted and what is not, they will flourish in a system that gives them guidelines and direction.
Consistent boundaries and standards give a child and the whole family a feeling of security and safety. It is within this environment that self-discipline and life skills begin to flourish and develop.
When we, as a community as well as a family, give consistent messages to our children concerning dangerous and unkind behavior, it will be easier for them to forgo temptation to participate. It is our responsibility as adults to help them learn and live by the basic rule that actions have consequences.
Those children who develop a habit of thinking about the connection will be in a position of strength. Their choices will be immeasurably easier to make because they have been given a framework for decision-making.
Repair or rebuild the boundary, if necessary
I encourage you to be firm, consistent and kind in your discipline. It is vital to always follow through. Don’t make threats, make promises. If you take away TV privileges the first time he doesn’t take out the garbage, but ignore it the second and third time, he will soon learn that you don’t always mean what you say. The child will learn how to be a manipulator, and you will still have the misbehavior to deal with. You are the adult, and so it is your job to repair the fence when it is broken or stretched out.
Boundaries don’t fence us in but rather they allow us freedom to grow and develop, knowing that we are safe and loved unconditionally. It is never a guessing game of what will happen but rather a sure foundation.
You can do it. I believe in you. You are doing the most important job in the world, raising self-disciplined, thoughtful and contributing children.

© Judy H. Wright, Author, Speaker and Life Educator www.ArtichokePress.com
JudyWright@ArtichokePress.com, 406-549-9813.
You will find a full listing of books, tapes, newsletters and workshops available on finding the heart of the story in the journey of life by going to www.ArtichokePress.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

By: Barbara Desmarais
Parenting and Life Coach

For some of us who grew up with siblings we have vivid memories of how our parents handled fighting. Some of us remember always being the one who was blamed; others remember everyone being punished regardless of who the instigator was and some of us remember our parent getting so angry, the fighting only escalated. Over the years, I’ve often heard adults say they still hold a grudge against their sibling. What can we do to ensure our children grow up respecting and liking each other?

If we study the behavior of a variety of different species in nature, we can clearly see the root of sibling rivalry. In essence the cause is competition for limited or scarce resources. In a family, each child has the need and desire for the EXCLUSIVE love of his/her parent. Children depend on us for everything - food, shelter and the very important need to feel SPECIAL. Feelings of anger, jealousy and resentment are all normal among siblings.

What can we do as parents when our children fight? In most cases, unless we judge the situation to be dangerous, it’s best not to intervene. When children are involved in a physical fight we need to clarify if it’s a real or a play fight. Real fights are not permitted but play fights are OK if it appears they are truly just playing. I always think it’s wise though to limit the play fighting since they often end up with someone crying.

Normal bickering can be ignored. If it really bothers us, we need to separate ourselves. Children will often turn to us to resolve their problems and side with them that it was the other person’s fault but they need to know they we have faith that they can work things out themselves. We can simply say: “Ok, I see there is a problem but I know the two of you can work it out” and then walk away. We often have a tendency to separate children when they’re fighting. Usually we do it because it’s the easiest way we can think of to stop the noise. Separating them doesn’t teach them to resolve conflict. You have the right though to impose some rules around name calling and put downs. I’m often impressed with the solutions my children come up with on their own when I stay out of their arguments altogether.

All children want to feel SPECIAL. We make them feel special when we acknowledge their uniqueness and not treat each child the same. When one child has a birthday, the other child doesn’t need to be given a gift as well. When one child gets new shoes, the other child doesn’t need to have shoes as well. When we give everyone the same thing, no one feels special. It’s important to give according to need. Ensuring that each child gets regular one on one time with you also makes them feel special. Try spending 10 minutes alone with each child at bedtime.

Avoid comparing. When a child hears that their sister or brother is in some way better than they are, it builds resentment. Every child is unique and they all learn at different rates, have their own special likes and dislikes and exhibit different talents. We can say: “You are the only ‘you’ in the whole wide world. No one could ever take your place.”

Books for Parents:

Siblings Without Rivalry: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish Loving Each One Best: Nancy Samlin
The Joys of Sibling Rivalry: Elizabeth Berg

Books for Children:

A Baby for Max: Maxwell Knight
A Baby Sister for Frances: Russell Hoban
Nobody Asked if I Wanted a Baby Sister: Martha Alexander